every so often i feel the words piling up, building, mounting, doubling exponentially, growing at preposterous rates and i grow afraid to release the valve, the words may spew out too quickly to be understood the way they are intended.

the weekend before last weekend was spent in my own personal wilderness with a group of wild women.  to say i returned with a full heart would be the understatement of the year.  i feel filled to the brim, understood, loved and totally seen--even the ugly bits.  when pixie posted this i felt like i had finally found the words to describe what had happened:

A
Hunting party
Sometimes has a greater chance
Of flushing God and love
Out into the open
...Than a warrior
All
Alone.

-Hafiz, A Hunting Party

it's the collective that i speak of.  the collective joy, the collective mothering, the collective kindness that i believe is what is missing in my life. this is the root of the bud and the bud of the root. in my early years of mothering i felt extremely isolated, i felt that i wasn't strong enough to mother on my own, which made me feel weak and insufficient.  i haven't had a close relationship with my mother and my sister has already passed, so i mother alone.  this is not to say that i don't have a kickass husband who loves his children dearly.  this is to say that as a stay-at-home-home-schooling-children-adoring mother i have mothered as a one-woman show.  there are amazing women in my life, AMAZING women that strengthen me as a woman.  and i find that the times in my mothering that i had a friend who was willing to share this experience with me, were the times that i felt like i was the most present for my children, my heart was full so i could give more to everyone.

last friday all my AZ mamas gathered with their kidlets and we spent the afternoon sharing it all. there were 10 children there and mine weren't counted.  collectively mama's nursed, kids played, we passed babies, rolled dreadlocks, toys were catapulted down the stairs, lego creations were built, quesadillas were made from fresh tortillas, birth stories shared, remedies given, and the park was descended upon by all of us. my only sadness was that my children weren't nestled in with us.

growing up without sisters has always been difficult for me.  i am a woman's woman, but have always been unsure as to whether i was doing any of this women's stuff "right."  friday night georgia and i spent baking, and what started with the idea to make homemade oreos turned into brownies, cupcakes, and finally homemade oreos.  but mostly what happened that night is that we laughed until our bodies hurt and her husband came in to question how old we were. 

the weekend continued in this way.  feeling like i could lay down the weight of my heart and be totally seen, without fear of judgement.  laughing, dancing, laughing, crying, laughing, painting, eating, laughing.  yup.  that just about sums it up.  and i carried it all home with me.  my heart is filled with love, happiness, and a firm sense of being exactly who i am.  it's shifting how i feel about myself, because once i felt appreciated by others, i could finally see what they're seeing.  my insecurities are washing away.  i'm coming into myself... which leads to me being a more kind, open, loving, fun mother, wife, daughter, friend.

SPC #2 FRESH taking a vacation gave me the freshest of fresh outlooks on life.

if we could do the vacation over again, we would change these last few days. we LOVED the beach at lincoln city and we both regret not just staying there for the remainder of our trip. it was perfectly kid friendly. i thought what i wanted out of the oregon coast was the craggy, rocky beach with tide pools. so we compromised by staying two nights in lincoln city (a FLAT beach) and 2 nights in seal rock. but we found seal rock to be completely un-nerving. the waves crashing up on the rocks is beautiful from afar, but with four little kids... it was scary! we never were really that close to the waves and we only went out at low tide, but the hubs and i were still really uncomfortable at seal rock.

lincoln city on the other hand, was a dream. our guesthouse was steps from the beach, had a hot tub overlooking the ocean, was equipped with a set of bunk-beds; it was completely comfortable in every way. we loved, loved, loved every minute of it. plenty of time for wadding in the ocean, flying kites, hot-tubing, eating yummy foods, taking mid-day naps, experiencing the whole relaxing vacation feel we were yearning for. *sigh* it was just perfect!

our trip continues on. if you're new here you can read about the beginning of our vacation here and here.

next we took a ferry ride. our first ever! i felt a little silly because we had no idea what to do. after we pulled our car in we were the only people getting out of the car, so i made everyone get back in and we waited. and waited. and no one moved. finally i rolled down my window and asked the sleeping man next to us if we could get out and go up to the top. his reply? "yup" with a snicker. thank you sleeping man! so we ran to the top of the ferry and played for our 45 minute trip.
as the ferry pulled away from the dock i was astounded at the view. i know that i had just been in the city, walking it's streets, but there is nothing like the view from the boat.
see what i mean?

f was in rare sorts that day. no tantrums thankfully, but plenty of goofy goofiness.
the ferry ride took us to bainbridge island which is a really beautiful, green, mystical little place. we got there at about 4 pm, so you could say that we beat the dinner rush... completely. we were the only people in the restaurant that weren't working there. i was grateful for it because the kids were a *wittwe wiwd* (little wild).

the trip home was much more subdued. we still played outside for a little bit, but we were just as happy to stay in the warm, enclosed seating instead. we ventured to the very front point of the ferry which was so windy i thought we were going to blow away!
my ferried fairies.

day seven was spent driving, which means it was spent watching movies in the car. we drove from seattle to lincoln city, oregon. up to this point in the vacation we had been blessed with completely temperate weather, barely even a sprinkle of rain. but when we stepped out of our hotel on the morning of day seven, it was a complete downpour. it rained steadily until the moment we got to lincoln city, and then it stopped. ;-D

more to come!