for the first time in almost 7 years the hubs and i went to a Jazz game. the last one we went to was on our wedding night...ah, how romantic! each of these times we were given tickets as neither of us are rabid fans of anything. well, except for one another.when we got married we promised one another that regular dates were worth it. what ever *it* happened to be. in the early years those dates were difficult because we.were.so.poor. seriously. we would go to the dollar theater on tuesday nights so that we could get in for 50 cents a piece. we quickly used all of the gift certificates that were gifted from our wedding. we had a whole lotta love and a tiiinie bit of money. our first anniversary we went diggin' up in the hills above the hub's hometown, made tinfoil dinners over a real life fire, and i shot a gun for the first time at some targets. it was wonderful. we talked about where the past year had led us and where we wanted the upcoming years of our marriage to take us.

our weekly dates grew more difficult as we had children. we were still SO poor, and now we had to PAY someone to watch our kids? i'm sure i'm not alone in my apprehensions about finding the very best babysitter for our kids. someone that was firm, but not mean; fun, but not wild; able to cook dinner without burning the house down; i'm sure you understand. and luckily we were blessed with the very best babysitter ever, she became like a sister to me, i will always protect and love her! and thus the dating continued...

sometimes dating can be difficult because we plain don't like one another every single day. but at least 3 times a month we like one another enough to be alone together. hehe. i really do love my hubs.

the beauty of dating for me comes when we've been out for about an hour and i realize... *we're not talking about the consistency of poop anymore! we're having an intellectual conversation! sweet bliss!* because eventually our kids will grow, become more independent, and finally spread their wings, make stupid decisions that we can't control, grow up some more, and leave us... alone with one another. and by gone it, i want to be friends with THAT man. i want to know what his dreams and passions are not just yesterday or today, but in that day far from now. i want us to be working for the same goals and ideas. i want for us to grow and learn new things, but to transform-- one whole in purpose.

i may be alone in this idea, but i don't believe that soul mates are found. i believe they're created. two souls may be so open to one another that they instantly complete one another, i've seen that happen. but for me, i see us in the process of completing one another. one step at a time. line upon line. grace upon grace. discovering and reveling in each new layer of one another; there is sheer bliss in finding a new layer that i didn't know existed.

would any date be complete without a baby tagging along? um, yeah, probably.

for more takes on a date

life has been full, fun, and fantastic...
at the same time it's been dark,
drudgerious (can this be my new word?), and draining.
it's hard to describe how opposing my emotions
and the circumstances have been.
i feel like i'm walking a tight-rope
between the good of the good
and the bad of the bad.

i'm walking a line between my two parents...
finding it hard to find loyalty on either side.
and may i say, that divorce is hard at any age.
even after two years the pain is still fresh
the wounds still deep,
the emotions throbbing beneath my skin.
as i've said before, i'm the nucleus to my family;
now i walk between them feeling split on each side.
tugged from here to there. unable to give advice.
unable to know what's *right* for all of us, or even just for me.

i walk another line, keeping all these things discreet,
whilst my heart is screaming out.
i walk between here and there,
silent among friends,
silent among family.
my mind running constantly, trying to solve the problems
that i shouldn't let bother me.
but they do,
because i secretly love my parents,
even when they upset me most.
or maybe they upset me most because i love them so,
and it hurts me to see them hurt.

this line i walk,
i walk alone.

for more *walking* scribblings

if i was queen of the world, what would i change? i'd like to think that i would tackle world peace or starvation or slavery but really... i decree that we should all find the beauty in ourselves!

i look back on myself as a 17 year old. i had little confidence in my beauty and often tied my self-worth to being liked by a boy. but now i can honestly look back and see how beautiful i was. i was at my PRIME people! and i took it for granted. my tummy was flat, my belly button perfect. everything was still sitting exactly where it *should* be. i wore a size 5. and yet i was constantly worrying about how i looked, what other people might think of me. what could i say to that insecure girl to wake her up to her beauty?

so why can't we as women be happy with who we are, today? we're always seeking to be something more (or often less) than we are right now. in 20 years i will look back on this time of my life and say, "why wasn't i happier? i had so much going for me in my life..." what would the future me say to me now?

all of us age, all of us get wrinkles, stretch marks and extra jiggles. so why hate it? why not embrace ourselves right now as we would if we could go back and tell the 17 year old us, *be happy with what you've got, because you're MORE than beautiful!* what would the future us come back and say to us today?

true beauty is found in every woman's mirror. when you look at your best friend you never seek to find her imperfections, you simply accept her as herself. and yet, when we look at ourselves we seek to find every negativity. we need to be more gentle.

right now i am 25 pounds from *healthy,* i am stretched marked from my chest to my calves, i still have acne, the list could go on... but it won't because i'm choosing to stop. i actually feel more at peace with myself today than i ever have. i feel beautiful, sexy, creative, intelligent, confident... and this list will continue to grow. now when i look in the mirror i try to find my favorite thing about myself in that moment. not in the spirit of narcissism, but to try to find peace with myself.
as i look back at the 17 year old me, how could i convince her of her beauty? and as i think of my future self... what would she say now?

i've been pondering a lot lately about my career(s). currently i am a full time domestic engineer; creating and sustaining life, acting as a financial planner, event coordinator, and educator in my spare time. all of these very wordy explanations can't wish away the fact that i extinguish temper tantrums and help contain the bodily fluids of little ones all day.

my educational and career path has changed somewhat. with a few more years and experiences under my belt i've recognized that my driving force isn't always language. my passion, my thrill, my love is now focused on health and well-being. my first task to conquer will be in becoming a certified doula. i love attending births. it's truly amazing, unequivocably matched; watching a mother patiently and lovingly cause life to occur causes even ME to be speechless. i don't know though that i'll ever have the time or drive to become a nurse-midwife. for now, i'm content as a birth attendent. i'd like to start as a CNA so that i can work at the birthing center that i deliver my babies at. i realize that most of the work i would do as a CNA would be changing bed pans but eventually i'll get a nursing degree. i'll also finish my course to become a master herbalist.

cousin jamie and me with cooper and harmony

birthday lunch for the friend in white. plenty of hugs, rice, and teriyaki.

i'm submitting this post for this weeks challenge on sunday scribblings: powerful. because as i think of my *need* for women in my life, i realize and understand that i feel empowered by women and i feel more powerful as a woman when i am helping another woman.