• my mind is pinging all over the place so you're going to get all the stray thoughts that are tumbling out
• the kids are calling one another stupid head. rock on.
• i just stepped in cream of wheat.
• last night's dinner rocked, my favorite go-to-vegetarian staple: carmalized onions, garlic, and zuchinni over spaghetti; side of steamed carrots.
• i hurt my neck 2 weeks ago and decided to cash in on my recently purchased groupons for a massage place i hadn't previously tried.  so last week i went in at 9 am for a massage and my therapist reeked of alcohol and wanted to talk. i tried to skirt conversation and focus on the music but even that started to get weird when satanic chants started over the drumming. no really, a man was chanting: satan, scorcery, bow to me.  good times, people, good times.  on the plus side, i think the therapist was able to talk out some good ideas for her dream tattoo/massage parlor.
• with one more massage previously paid for from this place, i decided to give the place a second chance.  today i went in and had a different therapist that wasn't even drunk!  good news.  the bad news is that it was the softest, roughest massage i've ever had.  she was slapping and shaking me around, but no deep tissue at all.  i knew that if i asked her to push harder that i was only gonna get more roughed up. this time there wasn't any chanting, just bagpipes and ambulances. i was doing ok despite all of this until she rubbed my feet, by placing my foot on her bosom while rubbing my toes.  clearly, i had to be mistaken... but alas, when i left she had a giant lotion stain on her bosom. *sigh*  this place is not the place for me.  i left way more tense and stressed out than when i got there.
• on monday i'll be teaching art in E's 3rd grade class.  i'm so excited.  i've spent today cutting out no less than 500 hearts for a valentine's project.   i'm also planning to talk a little about love, the difference between conditional and unconditional
• i've been sleeping so well lately.  and waking with actual energy.  life is amazing when sleep is in order
• i've been spending less and less time online, and more and more time living my life.  this means dishes and laundry too. 
• i am really loving volunteering at the kids' school.  copying, laminating, reading... paid in hugs and compliments.  that's some good stuff there.

xoxoxo

last year i picked the word wholeness to work towards.  i planted it, worked it, cultivated it, and it began to grow. by the time harvest had rolled around i realized that this year's goals didn't turn out as planned.  i hadn't planned properly, i had focused too much on certain areas and neglected others, i didn't water when the sun bore down, i plucked the fruit before its time, i was unprepared, plus the weather proved difficult and i wasn't up to the extra burdens. 

when i look at my list from last year there are things i did accomplish: i ate better and more thoughtfully, i exercised 3-7 hours a week, straightened out my back, drank gallons of water, took supplements daily, disciplined myself to pay my bills early, practiced active kindness, and even went on weekly dates with my husband. tic, tic, tic; list checked off.  how did i feel at the end?  nowhere near whole, in fact i felt like i had undergone serious demolition, stripped and hungry, shivering from any outside force.  cracked open, but certainly not whole. i failed my whole objective.

a few weeks ago i had written my feelings on cultivating wholeness in my journal.  i did feel like a failure as i listed all the reasons why i hadn't reached my goal and why i was actually in a worse spot emotionally at the end of 2010 than where i was in 2009. how could i choose a new word for 2011 when i had so utterly failed my last word? i felt stuck, unable to let go of the failure, the word, or even think about moving forward to something new.

a week or so passed and as i flipped through my journal a ticket flew out. as i caught it my journal fell open to the page on wholeness and i looked at the ticket a little closer.  on it were the words: Choose Your Life. it was a wish ticket from squam by the sea. we had each written our personal wish for our time there, put it in a basket, and then redrew someone else's wish to carry a prayer or thought for them as well.  i remember pulling out the ticket and seeing the words, "choose your life" and knowing instantly that it was Gretchen's wish. it was in that moment that i realized that my word had chosen me.

so this year's word is Choice.

• knowing that i have a choice on the matter of my happiness
• knowing that i have a choice in how i treat my family and the tone of voice i use
• knowing that i have a choice as to how i believe and how i believe that god sees me
• knowing that i have a choice as to where i spend my time
• knowing that i have a choice as to what to put into my body
• knowing that i have a choice to get off the couch, or away from the computer, or off of the phone
• knowing that i have a choice as to whether i do dishes or play barbies with my girls
• knowing simply, that i have a choice

i'm hoping that this year will bring me back to accountability, back to my heart, back to happiness.  it's so easy to play victim to my past, to my circumstances, to my past choices.  this year i want to choose consciously to be happy, to move forward, to play, to laugh, to BE.  and as my first order of business, i'm choosing to see last year, my garden of wholeness, as a learning experience.  i'm better prepared for this year, for my future, for wholeness to creep in on it's own.  because, like anything, it's not something that you can just arrive at. TA-DA!  i have all the answers and am officially whole, thanks for playing. i'm choosing to move forward with an open heart, an open mind, and receive all the joy that this world has to offer.

wednesday night was another sleepless one, as in, i didn't get even one minute of sleep.  as the sun came up i remembered just how beautiful and energizing morning light is. i grabbed the camera and my lensbaby and began to experiment with the light streaming in.  the above set is out of focus, but i still love the raw flow of it.

then on friday a cue at shuttersisters showed me another reason i took these pics.  i was craving reality, in that moment i had wanted to fully see myself.  after a night of no sleep and other factors i felt worn down inside and out.  but our physical self is not all that we are, it's not even the only thing other people see.  i needed to see all of me right then, whispy facial hair and grease build up as it was.  and despite feeling so worn down, i can see the strength of my soul in these photographs.

i hope you'll turn the camera on yourself.  it's not vanity, it's not pompous, it's allowing yourself to see what other people see in you. it's about perception. it takes time, it takes practice, it takes trust, and there are many many many resources out there to help you gain the courage and direction to do it. wanna see some oldies? where i started.

 "only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructable be found in us."~Buddha~

for the full set

whether it be on christmas morning
or your birthday
or just because,
when a gift is presented to you
are you the type of opener
that dives right in,
ribbon and paper flying in your wake?
or are you meticulous,
lifting the tape away from edges,
folding the paper nicely when you're done?
or do you put it aside,
opening it later when you have more time,
when everyone isn't looking at you?

i think blogging has spoiled me for friendships. i've been blessed enormously to find so many like minded individuals across the world, soul sisters connected through our ISP's. with my blog i write who i am, my dreams, my failings, my struggles, my successes; i am an open book for your reading pleasure. i stand with open arms and an open heart in this space. meanwhile i can be found reading about you and your life, finding people that i share ideals and virtues with. i'm so pleased to find so many lovies that are living their lives openly, diving right in and making a safe place for sharing more than just recipes.

when i contrast this with REAL life, it's hard for me to be so patient. i can spend 2 months getting to know someone that i met at del taco; each conversation slowly building upon ages of children, weather, family relations, common interests, work stories, etc... only to find that the relationship really isn't matched that well. or i come on too strong, share too much too quickly, and scare people off (big surprise, right?)

i'm richly blessed with the friendships i have both on and off screen. i also feel that my life is most fulfilling when i'm surrounded by friends and family. i love to be there for other people, helping to strengthen and uplift them in times of darkness, and playing whole-heartedly in times of joy and ease.

in your friendships do you jump right in and share yourself,
do you quietly (patiently) enjoy the process of opening up slowly,
or do you wait for the relationship to open itself?