so much has been brewing around here. here it is wednesday night, decisions were made this weekend but i haven't had the words to put it here. i'm nervous to put this out there... i think you'll understand, it's just SUCH a heated thing for people.

on friday i went and spoke to e's principal about having her tested to move her to the first grade. as we gathered in her office she looked at all my kids and said, 'they're not all yours are they?' why, yes they are! she was a VERY nice lady and we spoke candidly about the process of testing and her philosphy on the matter. i came out knowing that e would not be moved up, regardless of how well she did. it was her opinion that unless e was reading at a 2nd-3rd grade level, e would not be moved to first grade. my thought is that if a child is performing at 2-3 grade levels higher than where they're at, wouldn't it still be handicapping them to only move them up one grade?

saturday we went to a home educating conference that we had planned on attending long before we ever put e into school. i think that the conferences are a fabulous parenting course, regardless of whether you put your child into school or choose to home educate. the first half of this conference was specifically geared to the fathers, how they can participate in their child's education. the hubs was able to attend and began to feel more and more strongly that this was exactly what we needed to be doing for our family.

i arrived to the conference after lunch and was able to hear 2 mothers with young children speak about how we so often get caught up in our fear of finding the *perfect* curriculum that we end up being slaves to it. we so fear falling behind that we end up losing all faith in ourselves. i realized that this truly was my problem. most mothers that give a hoot are already spending time working with their children long before they go to school. i had already taught e her colors, shapes, letters, sounds; i taught her how to read and how to do simple math equations; we read together every day. i have been home educating all along, i had just lost my confidence in it. i had bought into the thought that i need to be doing something great and grand, with messy projects every day in order to be schooling at home. when in reality, all i needed was to continue on the path we were on.

the few hours a week we have spent on schooling over the past several years has been my natural inclination as a mother, nothing special or spectacular. she's very motivated and naturally inquisitive so it's made the process very easy. and yet, the children in her class at school are a year of learning behind her. kindergarten was teaching her how to recognize a rectangle, how to recognize the letter A, but nothing beyond that. i do realize that they would eventually start teaching them the sounds that they make, but for now... she's being held back for the greater good of the class.

many are concerned that this will be too much for me as a mother, my hands are just too full. this is where the hubs steps in. i'm so grateful that he went to the conference ahead of me, because now he's convinced of his own responsibility in it as well. i'll continue doing what i've been doing all along and we'll add to it some work in the evenings with him. e can also go down to his work once a week to be able to have some one-on-one time with daddy. he can also take a day off every month to be able to go on a field trip.

as for me, i often miss learning. i miss the opportunity to research a topic other than potty training. now i can spend more time studying without guilt, because my studies will benefit my family. why have i always felt so guilty for reading and studying my own topics? i haven't read a real book in YEARS... jane eyre in 2004.

and i've finally broken down and gotten a nanny-type girl to come in a few times a week to help with cleaning and childcare. i've been so stubborn about doing it all myself, but i'm going to try to let go of this. it will free me up to be a better mama while my chillin's are still little.

so take a deep breath with me.

feel better? i do!