first, i HAVE to thank YOU for your kind words and thoughts.  i'm telling you, i could FEEL it.  THANK YOU.

monday morning we woke up early, dressed quickly, ate a good breakfast and then sat by the phone until we could call and make sure we were still on for school.  disappointment set in when the office explained that they weren't ready for us, classrooms had yet to be decided.  with backpacks on the kids began to cry.  but all was not lost.  i couldn't help but see that day as a gift, a chance to properly celebrate our last day as homeschoolers.  when i wrote my last post i was sad and feeling like i hadn't said goodbye in the way i wanted to.  so with a free day to do just as we pleased, no obligations or time constraints, that's a gift!  so we shifted gears and went to the children's museum instead.

as soon as we walk in, their eyes bulge out of their heads, trying to take everything in at once, and then... they're off! running from thing to thing, trying everything at least once: acting as a construction crew, firemen, chefs, grocery shopping and working, farming, water and bubble play, and rock-climbing.  with nowhere to be other than RIGHT there, in that moment, they played until they couldn't play anymore.  and that was just the first floor.  next we went upstairs and made a still-motion movie, acted out a play, anchored newscasts, and built built built.  there were no tantrums, no accidents, just happy happy happy play. they honestly could have stayed for even longer, but after 4 hours of intense playing they were hungry.

off to the cookie store!  the kids were a jumble of, "i want a pink one! i want chocolate!  i want mangos, blueberries, cherries!"  the girl at the counter suggested they look at the cool bottle-cap magnets to distract them so i could actually order.  as they ran off she says to me, "awww, they are so cute!  and they are FRIENDS! you can tell that they really love each other and being together."  i just about burst into tears on the spot.  really, we are so lucky to have one another.  they have a firm foundation of love and kindness to move forward on.  these past few years have been hard, but oh-so-worth-it.

we continued on with our YES day picking up two kinds of drive-thru to appease little palates, chewing gum obnoxiously, playing games, and eating spaghetti for dinner.  tucked into their beds, they slept peacefully, and woke ready for their next chapter.

tuesday was the first real day of school and they passed with flying colors.  i met their teachers and felt totally peaceful leaving my children in their capable hands.  and bonus points go for recognizing the principal from my yoga classes.  as i dropped off lunch money in the office they assured me that my babies were safe and that they would watch out for them, they invited me to call if i was stressing, all was understood. so i went home.  and played with my other babies.  i began worrying about lunch time, wondering if they'd know what to do, if they'd eat enough food.  the closer it got to pick-up time, the more unravelled i became.  but their happy smiles and non-stop stories calmed me right down.  verdict? they LOVE it.

again, i have to thank you for the outpouring of calls, texts, comments, prayers, and awesome vibes... it really has made such a difference, i could feel the ocean of kindness swelling around us.

it's probably not that big of a deal to anyone else, but my kids are headed to their first day of public school tomorrow.  i've always said that we would let them do whatever schooling they wanted, however F has been asking to go to school for over a year now and i just wasn't ready.  all things considered, we're all ready now.  i think. 

family members have immediately yipped with joy when i told them the news, "finally!  it will be so much better for them, and you."  and yet for me, it brings up a lot of feelings of inadequacy.  taking them to school feels like, "jenica, you have failed as a home educator. let the professionals handle things from here on out."  it was their choice to go, mostly so that they can make friends, but i have a hard time not taking it personally.  i want the very best for them, i want them to feel loved, i want them to feel intelligent, i want them to feel challenged and excited to learn.  it's hard to compete with one-on-one attention when it comes to these things.  but i also know that i can't do it all.  i don't feel like i'm nourishing my children the way i had intended too.  it's chaos here, mostly a happy chaos, but chaos all the same.

i also don't like to be wrong, or even seen as wrong. so i fret about how people will look at me, either the public schoolers or home schoolers i know.  i realize that this shouldn't matter, but i still fight those feelings.  i'm choosing to look at it that i wasn't wrong to home school for a time, i felt very strongly about it. and now we can choose to do something different for a season.  if it doesn't float their boat, we'll reevaluate at the end of the semester.  and if they love it, great, i simply want them to be happy and seen.

when we went in to register them, i was completely filled with peace.  even when they refused to test the kids for proper grade placement, i still just felt peace, i know it will all work out.  but that doesn't stop me from feeling the night-before-school-starts insomnia.  their laundry is done, clothes laid out, backpacks ready and waiting. tomorrow we start a new chapter.  so please, if you don't mind, send out your happiest and kindest vibes to E and F and maybe even me that we'll all be able to move forward with joy and acceptance.

so much has been brewing around here. here it is wednesday night, decisions were made this weekend but i haven't had the words to put it here. i'm nervous to put this out there... i think you'll understand, it's just SUCH a heated thing for people.

on friday i went and spoke to e's principal about having her tested to move her to the first grade. as we gathered in her office she looked at all my kids and said, 'they're not all yours are they?' why, yes they are! she was a VERY nice lady and we spoke candidly about the process of testing and her philosphy on the matter. i came out knowing that e would not be moved up, regardless of how well she did. it was her opinion that unless e was reading at a 2nd-3rd grade level, e would not be moved to first grade. my thought is that if a child is performing at 2-3 grade levels higher than where they're at, wouldn't it still be handicapping them to only move them up one grade?

saturday we went to a home educating conference that we had planned on attending long before we ever put e into school. i think that the conferences are a fabulous parenting course, regardless of whether you put your child into school or choose to home educate. the first half of this conference was specifically geared to the fathers, how they can participate in their child's education. the hubs was able to attend and began to feel more and more strongly that this was exactly what we needed to be doing for our family.

i arrived to the conference after lunch and was able to hear 2 mothers with young children speak about how we so often get caught up in our fear of finding the *perfect* curriculum that we end up being slaves to it. we so fear falling behind that we end up losing all faith in ourselves. i realized that this truly was my problem. most mothers that give a hoot are already spending time working with their children long before they go to school. i had already taught e her colors, shapes, letters, sounds; i taught her how to read and how to do simple math equations; we read together every day. i have been home educating all along, i had just lost my confidence in it. i had bought into the thought that i need to be doing something great and grand, with messy projects every day in order to be schooling at home. when in reality, all i needed was to continue on the path we were on.

the few hours a week we have spent on schooling over the past several years has been my natural inclination as a mother, nothing special or spectacular. she's very motivated and naturally inquisitive so it's made the process very easy. and yet, the children in her class at school are a year of learning behind her. kindergarten was teaching her how to recognize a rectangle, how to recognize the letter A, but nothing beyond that. i do realize that they would eventually start teaching them the sounds that they make, but for now... she's being held back for the greater good of the class.

many are concerned that this will be too much for me as a mother, my hands are just too full. this is where the hubs steps in. i'm so grateful that he went to the conference ahead of me, because now he's convinced of his own responsibility in it as well. i'll continue doing what i've been doing all along and we'll add to it some work in the evenings with him. e can also go down to his work once a week to be able to have some one-on-one time with daddy. he can also take a day off every month to be able to go on a field trip.

as for me, i often miss learning. i miss the opportunity to research a topic other than potty training. now i can spend more time studying without guilt, because my studies will benefit my family. why have i always felt so guilty for reading and studying my own topics? i haven't read a real book in YEARS... jane eyre in 2004.

and i've finally broken down and gotten a nanny-type girl to come in a few times a week to help with cleaning and childcare. i've been so stubborn about doing it all myself, but i'm going to try to let go of this. it will free me up to be a better mama while my chillin's are still little.

so take a deep breath with me.

feel better? i do!