it's an interesting phenomenon to be a mother.  to watch as a child comes helpless and so tiny into this world, depending on you for everything. the exhaustion of caring for this tiny creature is all consuming and in the beginning completely chaotic.  eventually a rhythm establishes. eventually the chaos ebbs and we're able to recognize the beauty and the miracle a little more fully than when we were right in the moment. suddenly that pint-sized babe is a pint-sized child riding her scooter gleefully away from you.

i have found myself pining for those itty-bitty moments again, wondering, what did she smell like? when did he first laugh? how did i comfort her? why didn't i take a little more time to just breathe and enjoy?

i did a newborn shoot a few weeks ago with two tiny cousins. as i nuzzled their downy skin one of the dad's said, "uh oh, she's looking baby hungry again! she must be in heaven!"  i paused and looked down, with love surging in my heart and realized that yes, i was in heaven, but i had never enjoyed my newborns like i enjoy holding my nephew.  those first six months of each of my babies lives i was always wishing that time away, wishing for sleep, wishing for them to be a little older, a little bigger, a little more conversational, a little more... something else.  it breaks my heart to look back and realize how little i enjoyed and just how overwhelmed and disconnected i was.

i've been reading Momma Zenand with each page i turn i find myself wanting to buy a copy for every mother i know.  with each page i turn i find myself cracking open a little wider, tears jumping to my eyes as i feel so understood and acknowledged.  see, this book isn't a parenting book that teaches you how to be the perfect mother with the perfect baby on the perfect schedule, this is a parenting book that teaches you to enjoy the moments, to be present with right now.  my favorite excerpt from the book is this:

"you can change in an instant. you can change your mind. you can change your timing. you can change your approach. you can change your words. you can laugh instead of scream. you can hop on one foot. you can step away from the fray instead of stepping in. you can give up, give in, and go in a completely different direction than you'd like to. you can do the dishes later. what then? what next?the zen master has told you, 'you embody the golden breeze.' you ARE change. you have infinite power to relax, to release, to change, and thus to change everything. if you find that you don't have the energy or the good humor to do so this time, i will understand. there will be many afforded you.

your child is a tireless teacher, constantly probing your self-imposed limits and boundaries, your self-centeredness, your sheer stubbornness. 

it is a thankless job, and who would want it? but each day your child comes to work again, taking up the monumental task.

you must be a teacher too. of agile exits and negotiations, of quick turns and pirouettes. of all the inventive ways to go through life instead of banging it head-on. there is a deft elegance to the mother who has mastered this dance, the dance with no choreography. she is fluid and round. she smiles and laughs easily. she breezes along as though anything were possible.

like a child."

 i have often compared those early days of motherhood to driving head-long into a sunset. everyone around us can see the beauty, some often stop and surrender to just watching as the sun sets in it's glory. but there i am driving, driving, driving, the sun so impossibly in my face wishing that it would just be over so that i could see again.

on our last trip to nevada we were driving home during sunset. movies, giggles, screams and pretzels abounded in the backseat. i was grumpy, strung out on a sugar high that can only come from the over indulgence of a birthday party. i was grumpy from lack of sleep. i was grumpy from lack of attention. as john drove i tried diligently to just block it all out in my mind so that i could sleep until home. as my mind numbed i felt the car slowing to a stop, angrily i snapped, "why are we stopping? i just want to get home!"  john smiled, grabbed our camera and started getting the kids out of the car. in the middle of nowhere the sun was setting and the light was nothing short of glorious.

finally i stopped driving. i breathed in the crisp, dry air. and i simply enjoyed the moment. like a child.

my interview at visionary mom is now up as well, come check out the movement she's creating!

facebook was good for a few things other than wasting time. mostly for finding those great soul friends that we somehow lost touch with through the years. rex is just one of those girls. we finally got a chance to catch up this week, we talked for hours while the kids skitted about. little did we know what the quiet skitting was truly about.

really, i wouldn't have let my kids do this at home. but watching it happen, watching their happiness and glee, laughing till tears ran down my face; really i can't wait for the next mud pile to happen. i never had this experience as a child, and i'm just glad that our kids have the opportunity.

so what opportunity will you allow today?

it may just bless your life with TRUE magic and love...

mystery science theater, originally uploaded by jekinek.

today's project: enjoy the sunlight, in your own way.

to inspire:

misty

kirsten

shadow play

kiera

ashley

.: the feeling of hope i gain when i see flowers emerging despite the elements. is it finally spring???

.: standing in the shower for my few moments alone, listening to the faint sounds of my children who squeal, chase, and play.

.: the way that H never took any practice steps when she started walking. she simply stood up and ran.

.: dinner made from leftover french bread and some eggs being happily scarfed down with no complaints.

.: G's constant desire to *help* especially when i'm trying to hurry. reminds me that i need to slow down and let someone help me once in awhile, maybe it's just to help them feel happy, maybe i really do need the help.

.: playdates gone bad that remind me of how good and sweet and wonderful my children truly are.

.: finding letters and pictures drawn with a shaky hand, proof that F is finally writing!

.: going to the health food store and being told, "well, it looks like you've got your hands full!" it's very true, i do have my hands full, sometimes achingly full. but my hands are full, my arms are full, and my heart is full.

.: having good friends i share motherhood with.
.: acting as E's fairy, leaving notes in her jar at night. it gives me a chance to simply praise her for her good deeds without flipping into mom mode and asking unpleasant questions. when i pretend to be her *rosetta* i can love on her and uplift her in ways that i don't allow myself to as a her mama. (note to self: love my children freely)

.: the trust a child gives you when they clamor into your arms, willingly pleading for you to throw them again, throw them higher! they never ask you to catch, they simply know that you'll be there.

i'm feeling pretty grateful right now.

.:my grandma is in town from alaska. i don't get to see her very often, but i cherish my time with her. i see so much of what i want to be and what i think i am in her.

.:white chicken chili

.:toe print socks

.:harmony now does baby sit ups. she'll be laying flat on her back in her crib and i'll hear her grunt and she sits straight up. then she'll flop back with a giggle and do it again and again and again.

.:wendy witch, running through yards in the black of night with a 6 year old in tow.

.:pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. cheater version: 1 spice cake mix, 1 can pumpkin, mini chocolate chips; 350 for 14 minutes. yum yum and more yums. i double this bad boy.

.:hamper love

.:happy mail: packages, envelopes, cards, postcards... all sent out into this great world of ours. reach out and squam someone.

.:snacks made exclusively from non-toxic markers. (not to mention my cute neice)

.:art dates with my husband. he says when he's done, "this painting thing is a lot harder than it looks." i just smile and love him a little more.

.:story time with auntie:

.:while getting dressed this morning G says to me, "is that you bwa? is that to keep you boobs fwom faw-wing down?"

.:screaming banshee halloween. it's so true, so fitting, so funny. thank you nina beana. we can't stop watching it. this really is exactly how our halloween is, times four. they cry all.day.long. i dress them up, do their makeup, drag them to parties, bundle them up (covering their costumes) and drag them from house to house. then we come home, i eat their candy, and i cry from exhaustion.