• we are in the middle of "hello, kitty" madness.  last week she neeeeeeeded to have her face painted like hello kitty.  for all the prep work on my part, i was afraid she'd have it off in seconds.  but it lasted through 2 stores and an afternoon of play.  although by the end she looked more like an emo panda than a kitty.
• my FIL gave me a plant that i have yet to kill.  this little amarillys didn't bloom, but it's not dead! win!
• it's finally sunny and warmish today, my heart is so ready for spring.  H just giggled with joy when she realized we could play outside today.  my heart's not the only one ready for spring.
• i've had two really awesome experiences with each of my parents this weekend.  feeling forgiveness and love on both sides.
• conversation with G: "i'm going to have nineteen kids! but not all at once, one at a time."  "oh wow G, that's a LOT of kids!  do you want to be something as well as a mama? like, i'm an artist and a mama..."  "yeah! i'll be a ninja!"
• i've forgotten what preschoolers are like,  we are having so much fun now.
• we had a tree frog. for a day.  hoping the next one will be heartier, he seriously was the CUTEST THING i have EVER seen, and with kids like these i'm kinda an expert on cute.  my daughter was more put out by the fact that her frog died than saddened by it. i was sad. and cried.
• my FIL is here for E's birthday celebrations (HAPPY BIRTHDAY E!)  and of course he has his dog here.  the kids have spent the past few days dressing up a farm dog. what a patient dog to wear scarfs and bunny ears.
• i have a working oven!  praises be!  i'm now crippled with indecision as to what to bake first.  it's been two years of wonky heating issues and complete laziness in finding a replacement.  turns out it just needed a tiny part to be back on the road.  i'm choosing elation over bitterness. haha.
• spent saturday at the park in inches of snow, it was like a calvin and hobbs snowday.
• i've struggled so much with feelings of shame from my decision to leave the church.  fear that those i love within the church will reject me if our theology no longer matches.  my heart has been calmed substantionally in this regard and a complete peace and forgiveness for everything has flowed in my life. 
• in yoga we focus on stamina, holding each pose until you feel your muscles begin to give out. it's in that moment that my teacher reminds us, "when you feel you can go NO longer, come back to your breath, take another and realize you can continue on." aint that the truth?
• loosing my focus today, keep getting caught up in awesome conversations and truth telling, but it's doing nothing for my dishes.
• my laundry is clean, the kids baskets overflowin...g with stink-free clothes. i wasn't supposed to actually put their clothes IN their drawers, right?
• awrooooo!
  

• my mind is pinging all over the place so you're going to get all the stray thoughts that are tumbling out
• the kids are calling one another stupid head. rock on.
• i just stepped in cream of wheat.
• last night's dinner rocked, my favorite go-to-vegetarian staple: carmalized onions, garlic, and zuchinni over spaghetti; side of steamed carrots.
• i hurt my neck 2 weeks ago and decided to cash in on my recently purchased groupons for a massage place i hadn't previously tried.  so last week i went in at 9 am for a massage and my therapist reeked of alcohol and wanted to talk. i tried to skirt conversation and focus on the music but even that started to get weird when satanic chants started over the drumming. no really, a man was chanting: satan, scorcery, bow to me.  good times, people, good times.  on the plus side, i think the therapist was able to talk out some good ideas for her dream tattoo/massage parlor.
• with one more massage previously paid for from this place, i decided to give the place a second chance.  today i went in and had a different therapist that wasn't even drunk!  good news.  the bad news is that it was the softest, roughest massage i've ever had.  she was slapping and shaking me around, but no deep tissue at all.  i knew that if i asked her to push harder that i was only gonna get more roughed up. this time there wasn't any chanting, just bagpipes and ambulances. i was doing ok despite all of this until she rubbed my feet, by placing my foot on her bosom while rubbing my toes.  clearly, i had to be mistaken... but alas, when i left she had a giant lotion stain on her bosom. *sigh*  this place is not the place for me.  i left way more tense and stressed out than when i got there.
• on monday i'll be teaching art in E's 3rd grade class.  i'm so excited.  i've spent today cutting out no less than 500 hearts for a valentine's project.   i'm also planning to talk a little about love, the difference between conditional and unconditional
• i've been sleeping so well lately.  and waking with actual energy.  life is amazing when sleep is in order
• i've been spending less and less time online, and more and more time living my life.  this means dishes and laundry too. 
• i am really loving volunteering at the kids' school.  copying, laminating, reading... paid in hugs and compliments.  that's some good stuff there.

xoxoxo

• lunch from yesterday: roasted chicken with melted chedder and pesto on ciabatta bread. um, yum.
• there are two types of people in this world: those who complete puzzles by looking at the picture and those that complete a puzzle by looking at the shape of the pieces.
• i am overloaded with sessions i need to edit, but at some point you've just got to release the guilt and take pics of yourself with candles... and then edit pics for others.
• school is going really, really well for the kids... and for me.  i had no idea how much attention a certain someone was demanding from me until i was left with just two.  now i'm feeling like i have preschoolers for the first time in a long time.  there's a lot of stories read, masterpieces painted, snugg-ohs shared, and games played.  when the olders come home i feel refreshed, ready for the intensity of the homework-dinner-bedtime routine.  i'm feeling so blessed. and everyone is even getting what they need.
• still, i could really use a massage.
• i'm also feeling like every day i'm pulling a little further out of this foggy hole i've lived in for the past 5-ish years.  every day i'm just a little closer to organization, a little closer to sleeping at night and not during the day, a little more patient, a little more kind, a little happier.  my stride may be short and slow, but forward movement is forward movement.
• remember when you could actually win a real thing by opening a cereal box?
• i just shoveled the driveway and by the time i was finished it had snowed more than what i swept away. 
• having a "play date" with mom's that just don't speak my language leaves me one lonely mama.  i don't speak coupon-ese.  the kids had fun. maybe if all the mom's wore tutus and played pirates we'd find more commonalities.  or maybe we need a blanket fort to clip coupon's in.
• i'm looking forward to tonight, vinyasa yoga with my husband and then hopefully a 30 minute run.  my earphones miss me.
• tiger mom? superiority? i think that when families come together in love parents know exactly how to raise their own children and children know exactly how to love their parents.  no need for battle or wild animals. just love, that's all we ever need.
• the kids are super happy in their classes.  each day i get a run-down on what they eat for lunch and who they played with.  (french toast sticks, fruit, and milk; e played penguin catchers with boys and f raced the girls)
• i want to start volunteering at the school. got any ideas for a weather related art project for 7 year olds?
• watching my little girls play, their hair pointing like stars on their heads, their tiny bums incapable of holding pants up, H yelling, "what the hell-o kitty?", i'm literally falling head over heels in love with these girls.
• isn't imperfection beautiful?  isn't that what shows we've lived our lives, our scars and markings?
• my husband listens to self help mp3's.  which is cool, for him, but it always freaks me out when they pop up on itunes shuffle... "you can achieve greatness in business by simply..."
• now that the olders are gone for most of the day, F is all the more affectionate when he's home.  it's been a long time since he's volunteered kisses, now i'm blanketed in them.
• thinking of painting, thinking of napping, thinking of shoveling again, thinking that i haven't eaten anything yet today, thinking i wish i had studio space so it was just out and easy accessible to me.
• i just stepped in cream cheese.
• the little girls are building machines from the wooden toys i got from ikea.  i love ikea.  like, a lot.

her voice is powerful AND sweet.  i'm finding myself singing a lot more with such inspiring women paving the way for me to be comfortable with it again.

suggestions for turning that frown upside down:

• change something small in your appearance or how you get ready.  for me, it was changing my part from the side to the middle, springing my hippie chick into action.  it's been a fair 10 years since i've switched my part.  who knew something so little could put such spring in my step.
• then, photo document it.  either take pics of yourself or get someone who sees the real you to take pics of you in your favorite clothes.  get dolled up.  throw convention to the wind.  find a well lit area and find your beauty again. (this doesn't have to be face pics either, whatever you're comfortable with plus push it just a little more and remember that it doesn't have to be perfect)
• buy the BIG bag of peanut m&m's and forget about the calories.
• try out a new station on pandora, i HIGHLY recommend the Modest Mouse station, even if you don't consider yourself a modest mouse fan.
• vit D. either outside or from a bottle, get some of nature's smile.
• put yourself in an outdoors timeout. run, jump, play, swing, make snow angels and people, start a snowball fight with your kids or roommates, feel the wind on your face and in your hair.
• get messy. paint with your hands, write exactly the thoughts in your head with no filter, photograph an ugly thing, bake something delicious, work till you sweat, garden and get dirt under your nails, cover something in glitter (this week it happened to be an entire 4 ounce bottle of glitter on my floor, that's some serious sparkle, no matter how dirty the floor is) CREATE.  get your hands dirty, messy, soaked in love.

• watch this and feel complete gratitude for the veins, the bumps, the scars, the dirt, the wrinkles, the LIFE your hands have let you live.
• spread love. smile, hug, kiss, speak kindly and tenderly, pay for the order behind you at the drivethru, give permission to yourself to make a complete fool out of yourself, laugh, dance, send a thank you LETTER. spread the love.

in the words of my sweet G, Peace out Pro.

.: the feeling of hope i gain when i see flowers emerging despite the elements. is it finally spring???

.: standing in the shower for my few moments alone, listening to the faint sounds of my children who squeal, chase, and play.

.: the way that H never took any practice steps when she started walking. she simply stood up and ran.

.: dinner made from leftover french bread and some eggs being happily scarfed down with no complaints.

.: G's constant desire to *help* especially when i'm trying to hurry. reminds me that i need to slow down and let someone help me once in awhile, maybe it's just to help them feel happy, maybe i really do need the help.

.: playdates gone bad that remind me of how good and sweet and wonderful my children truly are.

.: finding letters and pictures drawn with a shaky hand, proof that F is finally writing!

.: going to the health food store and being told, "well, it looks like you've got your hands full!" it's very true, i do have my hands full, sometimes achingly full. but my hands are full, my arms are full, and my heart is full.

.: having good friends i share motherhood with.
.: acting as E's fairy, leaving notes in her jar at night. it gives me a chance to simply praise her for her good deeds without flipping into mom mode and asking unpleasant questions. when i pretend to be her *rosetta* i can love on her and uplift her in ways that i don't allow myself to as a her mama. (note to self: love my children freely)

.: the trust a child gives you when they clamor into your arms, willingly pleading for you to throw them again, throw them higher! they never ask you to catch, they simply know that you'll be there.