‎"Why does one begin to write? Because she feels misunderstood, I guess. Because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. Because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost." ~Nicole Krauss~

there are so many things i've been wanting to tell you.  so many words that i've wanted to share here in this space, but i just haven't made it here.  i know that part of it is that i lost my voice, not my physical voice, but the voice of my own truth.  i've been on a very swift and steep learning curve lately; some of those experiences and thoughts deserve to be shared.  there are some super, awesome things that truly deserve a whole post or three dedicated to them... but i'm finding i don't even have the energy to discuss it again.  so instead, please accept my bullet point outline of the past month.

• depression sucks.
• we celebrated our 10th anniversary.  it's an amazing thing to wake up to the same person every day for ten years and to still feel my heart flutter when he walks into the room.  i feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be married to a person that so fully sees my faults and loves me anyway.  i really, REALLY like him.  i like, like him. i love him.  to me anniversaries feel like a sacrament of the actual event, our marriage. this anniversary especially feels like a complete renewal and recommittment.  the past ten years have been so full, in ways that i expected, and in ways i could have never predicted, but am so grateful for.
  
• if i could freeze time, this would be the time i'd choose to relive over and over again.  the kids are so happy, funny, inquisitive and brave.  i'm honored to be their mother.  i find myself creating a time capsule of sorts, recording 5 minute snapshots of what we're experiencing, what the kids say, the crazy outfits they wear, their imaginative play.  our house is such chaos, happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless...and i want to remember it forever.
  
• went to a weekend retreat in california with some extremely nourishing friends. it changed my life. well, it helped me recognize my life; recognize the beauty that surrounds me every day.
• my yard is FULL of dandelions. and i'm a happy woman.  i get bouquets from the kids every day.  we started a table altar, a place to put all of the tiny "gifts" the kids bring me.  over dinner we discuss the happy things we did and the things we found through play outside.
• i did do the 12of12 challenge in april and in may, at some point i might just share those... maybe in june. ;-D
  
• i'm doing my darndest to hit a reset button on every aspect of my life.  it's natural to get into cycles in our lives, it's natural to find one way that works and stick with it.  and it's natural to get frustrated when what worked yesterday no longer works today.  i began asking myself what was working in my life and what wasn't, and what i could do about it.  we humans are pretty resistant to change, even if that means sacrificing our happiness because we're afraid to shake things up.  i made up lists of what wasn't working in my house and then brainstormed ideas of how to fix it.  i realize that this is a fairly 3rd grade way of looking at things, but it's made a huge difference.  my house was a disaster and i've FOUGHT it for years, the realization hit me that my kids are now finally old enough to truly help.  i've been trying to clean up after 6 people with no organization.  no wonder i kept failing!  i've split up the jobs now, so each person has daily responsibilities with 20 minute timers on them.  they don't have to finish the job, they just have to work on it for 20 minutes.  my son is a list fulfiller, so he's been in heaven to have a list to follow.
  
• my word of the year, CHOICE, has been a daily reminder to shake things up and find a new way to choose my life and how i want to live it.  the past year was all about deconstructing, in so many ways it was ugly and often painful.  it's taken me awhile to even recover from the internal demolition.  but it's amazing how freeing it is to be on the other side of it, with a completely clean plate that i'm filling with what will nourish me best.  i'm reseting everything i have control over and creating healthy habits that will hopefully lift me through dark times that will inevitably come.
• i get up at 5:30 am now.  i've never wanted to.  i've actually always hated mornings. but i've found that my body is happiest when i do it.  which also means i'm in bed by 10 most nights.  even one year ago i wouldn't have considered 5:30 am as anything other than the butt-crack of dawn. now it's my quiet time; time to write, do yoga, meditate, and quietly snuggle with my early risers.
• also realized that i've been ignoring my needs.  and it wasn't in a way that benefitted others.  if i'm thirsty, i get a drink of water now, instead of waiting until i was so thirsty i was cranky.  if i'm tired, i finish up my business and then i go to bed, even if there are still things happening that i'll miss out on. when i'm hungry i eat.  when i want to work out, i make the space to do it.  when i feel like organizing my closet, i do it.  i've basically been treating my body like i would treat a snuggly baby, listening very carefully to my body and giving her what she needs.  i follow the waves or winds of what my body and heart are asking for; when i do, a greater peace and contentment flows.
  
• our little family motto is taking on more of a life motto: SPREAD LOVE. being friendly makes me feel better about myself, and i'm realizing it makes a difference for other people too.  i'm on a mission to take the suspicion out of suburbia.  we live in a safe neighborhood but all of the neighbors regard one another with contempt it seems.  i've lived here for 6 years and still only know my neighbors that i went to church with.  that just feels wrong.  so i'm starting small, smiling and saying hello to every person i pass as we walk.   yes, i'm talking to strangers.
• on sunday i was puttering around the house while everyone was at church and i saw a girl pull over at the park across the street.  she got out of her car and promptly laid down in the sunshine.  i watched her for a few minutes and finally just got my shoes on and went to meet her.  i like to sit in the sunshine too and if she's willing to pull over and sit on the grass for a few moments, she may just be spontaneous enough to make a new friend.  i know she was a little surprised to have a stranger ask to sit next to her but we ended up having a really great conversation.  it's the little moments where i follow my gut that leave me delighted.  i'm learning to trust my intuition again.

happy summer y'all! what have you been up to?

"do not be afraid to love. without love, life is impossible...love by the way you walk, the way you sit, the way you eat. learn to love yourself and others properly...

the well being of the world depends on us, on the way we live our daily lives, on the way we take care of the world, and on the way we love."   ~thich nhat hanh

"mom, you're my favorite mom."   ~genesis

"The more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize that how you use it, how you manifest it, is all your responsibility. 

We face such a big task so naturally we sit down for awhile."

~Kobuh Chino Otogawa

this week has been good.  just down right GOOD.

jolie came into town from portland to play with us in prep for her Jeopardy! audition, which she totally aced.  she knitted while kids climbed all over her, G instantly adopted her as her new best friend forever.  having her here was a total gift for me, so grateful for amazing women in my life.  if you get the opportunity, ask jolie to tell you a few stories of her life. she is funny, intuitive, kind, wicked smart and completely truthful. she should be a professional story teller, to go along with being a professional artist.

this week was also full of warmth, both outside as spring began to peek out and our trampoline got some much needed lovings. as well as inside, in my now working oven.

for E's birthday she was given a red-eyed tree frog.

that was such a nice gift for her aunties to give me.  for real.  i honestly don't know that i've ever loved an animal like this.  i love this frog.

LOVE. 

it's the cutest thing i've ever seen.  and you can't possibly disagree, right?

since he's nocturnal it's been kind of a bummer for the kids.  but for me, we get to play once the kids are asleep.  i change his water, feed him disgusting bugs, i've even been known to play him "sounds of the jungle."  my love for this frog runs deep.  and i'm a complete dork, who apparently shouldn't be allowed to chew gum.