wednesday night was another sleepless one, as in, i didn't get even one minute of sleep.  as the sun came up i remembered just how beautiful and energizing morning light is. i grabbed the camera and my lensbaby and began to experiment with the light streaming in.  the above set is out of focus, but i still love the raw flow of it.

then on friday a cue at shuttersisters showed me another reason i took these pics.  i was craving reality, in that moment i had wanted to fully see myself.  after a night of no sleep and other factors i felt worn down inside and out.  but our physical self is not all that we are, it's not even the only thing other people see.  i needed to see all of me right then, whispy facial hair and grease build up as it was.  and despite feeling so worn down, i can see the strength of my soul in these photographs.

i hope you'll turn the camera on yourself.  it's not vanity, it's not pompous, it's allowing yourself to see what other people see in you. it's about perception. it takes time, it takes practice, it takes trust, and there are many many many resources out there to help you gain the courage and direction to do it. wanna see some oldies? where i started.

 "only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructable be found in us."~Buddha~

for the full set

 it's an interesting phenomenon to be a mother.  to watch as a child comes helpless and so tiny into this world, depending on you for everything. the exhaustion of caring for this tiny creature is all consuming and in the beginning completely chaotic.  eventually a rhythm establishes. eventually the chaos ebbs and we're able to recognize the beauty and the miracle a little more fully than when we were right in the moment. suddenly that pint-sized babe is a pint-sized child riding her scooter gleefully away from you.

i have found myself pining for those itty-bitty moments again, wondering, what did she smell like? when did he first laugh? how did i comfort her? why didn't i take a little more time to just breathe and enjoy?

i did a newborn shoot a few weeks ago with two tiny cousins. as i nuzzled their downy skin one of the dad's said, "uh oh, she's looking baby hungry again! she must be in heaven!"  i paused and looked down, with love surging in my heart and realized that yes, i was in heaven, but i had never enjoyed my newborns like i enjoy holding my nephew.  those first six months of each of my babies lives i was always wishing that time away, wishing for sleep, wishing for them to be a little older, a little bigger, a little more conversational, a little more... something else.  it breaks my heart to look back and realize how little i enjoyed and just how overwhelmed and disconnected i was.

i've been reading Momma Zenand with each page i turn i find myself wanting to buy a copy for every mother i know.  with each page i turn i find myself cracking open a little wider, tears jumping to my eyes as i feel so understood and acknowledged.  see, this book isn't a parenting book that teaches you how to be the perfect mother with the perfect baby on the perfect schedule, this is a parenting book that teaches you to enjoy the moments, to be present with right now.  my favorite excerpt from the book is this:

"you can change in an instant. you can change your mind. you can change your timing. you can change your approach. you can change your words. you can laugh instead of scream. you can hop on one foot. you can step away from the fray instead of stepping in. you can give up, give in, and go in a completely different direction than you'd like to. you can do the dishes later. what then? what next?the zen master has told you, 'you embody the golden breeze.' you ARE change. you have infinite power to relax, to release, to change, and thus to change everything. if you find that you don't have the energy or the good humor to do so this time, i will understand. there will be many afforded you.

your child is a tireless teacher, constantly probing your self-imposed limits and boundaries, your self-centeredness, your sheer stubbornness. 

it is a thankless job, and who would want it? but each day your child comes to work again, taking up the monumental task.

you must be a teacher too. of agile exits and negotiations, of quick turns and pirouettes. of all the inventive ways to go through life instead of banging it head-on. there is a deft elegance to the mother who has mastered this dance, the dance with no choreography. she is fluid and round. she smiles and laughs easily. she breezes along as though anything were possible.

like a child."

 i have often compared those early days of motherhood to driving head-long into a sunset. everyone around us can see the beauty, some often stop and surrender to just watching as the sun sets in it's glory. but there i am driving, driving, driving, the sun so impossibly in my face wishing that it would just be over so that i could see again.

on our last trip to nevada we were driving home during sunset. movies, giggles, screams and pretzels abounded in the backseat. i was grumpy, strung out on a sugar high that can only come from the over indulgence of a birthday party. i was grumpy from lack of sleep. i was grumpy from lack of attention. as john drove i tried diligently to just block it all out in my mind so that i could sleep until home. as my mind numbed i felt the car slowing to a stop, angrily i snapped, "why are we stopping? i just want to get home!"  john smiled, grabbed our camera and started getting the kids out of the car. in the middle of nowhere the sun was setting and the light was nothing short of glorious.

finally i stopped driving. i breathed in the crisp, dry air. and i simply enjoyed the moment. like a child.

my interview at visionary mom is now up as well, come check out the movement she's creating!

earlier this week i received a beautiful email that both surprised and clarified things for me in ways i can't quite explain... other than to share it here with you.  she spoke of how creativity moved her and she found herself grasping for something more. she then wanted to know how my personal faith anchored me and my creativity.  i have to admit that the first thing i did when i read it was laugh, not at her but at ME because i feel that i've been in a faith crisis for the past several months. my religion has not been my anchor and i've been floundering (sometimes in seizure like proportions). i haven't been able to write about it here for fear of being misunderstood, something that i still worry about.  but i unfortunately haven't been able to write about my process privately either, i have felt a block with each time i sit down... mostly it's a child-sized human sitting on my lap trying to gain my attention by placing their solid cranium directly between me and the screen. so as i sat down and replied to my dear friend, i felt the words and tears melt right out of me...

the thing with my faith is that i don't have it all figured out either. my life is crazy and chaotic and at times drowning in hopelessness.  i've suffered from depression since september and my relationship with my religion was brought to terms.  for awhile i didn't go, for awhile i renounced everything i knew, for awhile i felt renounced by friends that didn't understand or want to understand, for awhile i took some space away to figure out what my heart was telling me... and the truth is, i still don't know exactly where i stand.  my husband is incredibly faithful and has continued to plod on to church with all four kids, this has been a great example to me and i find myself joining him (if you have enough faith as a MAN to take 4 monkeys to three hours of church each week... well, there's got to be something to that! haha)  there's things that i don't agree with within my church, but there's enough that i can FEEL and KNOW to be true, that i think i'm at a place where i want to just continue on with it. i'm sure i can be a buddhist mormon. ;-)

i think that what i'm learning through this dark and difficult process is that i do believe that the mormon church is true, that the fundamental questions of why we are here and where we are going are answered through the doctrine.  i believe that the church possesses the true priesthood, the power of god; i believe this because i've truly seen it's miracles in my life.  i do have a firm testimony and belief in my heavenly parents, the creators of our spirits, and i believe they have a great interest in lil' ole me, i believe they love me. i believe in jesus christ, and i believe that through his sacrifice i'm redeemed from my struggles, my grief, my sins, and my afflictions.  all of that can be found in the mormon church, and while i've looked in other places, i've never felt the same spirit anywhere else.  it's not perfect, the people aren't perfect, but there is a peace to the mormon church that i've never found elsewhere. 

i do think that faith takes sacrifice.  finding a religion that fits easily into our previously existing life requires no growth on our part. to me, the fundamental reason we exist in this sphere is to grow, to learn, to master these bodies that house our eons old spirits. 

i believe that as a mama i understand better how god sees us. my four year old is often prone to believing she has the whole world figured out. she stubbornly fights me when i suggest she wear a coat or hold an adults hand before crossing a parking lot or even brushing her teeth.  and yet as a mama, i know the bigger picture, i can see that if you don't brush your teeth now it will lead to pain and frustrations down the road.  i have to believe that god can see more than i can, that he requires obedience not to oppress us but to help us see the bigger picture. and truthfully, we may not even see the bigger picture while in this life, but there is enough truth now to satisfy me that other things will work themselves out.

don't feel alone, i think that everyone struggles with their faith... but i do believe that artists especially struggle because we are a breed of passionate, strong-willed people.  i totally believe that god gave us our talents and that when we act creatively, it's one of the ways that we most emulate god himself. he created us, so when we create it stirs something within us.(it always makes me cry!)

this is one of the reason my RAW group has become such an important and necessary part of my life. we do more than just create art together, we dig deep about ourselves, relationships, and even religion and spirituality. having a tribe of women within 45 minutes of me has made an incredible difference in my life, i hope that you can reach out and gather the same for yourself there. 

if you'd like to know more about my religion i'd invite you to check out this website: www.mormon.org there's a lot of interactive tools and videos, text and images that could answer some of your questions.  if it stirs something in you, if you feel a yearning, allow the missionaries to come and visit. humble and kind 20ish year olds will show up and answer your questions.  i believe that our spirits recognize truth and we can feel that, so follow your heart and you'll find your peace, even if it takes you through some uncomfortable places first. ;-D

i think that all things ebb and flow, there is a season and timing to creativity. put aside your thoughts on how much you "should" be creating or what way you "should" be doing anything, you're YOU and have your own set of talents and imagination.  sometimes i force myself to paint because i know that it does make me feel better and sometimes i don't paint for months at a time. it's all ok, there's a summer and a winter for good reason. know that you're not alone, know that you are a talented and beautiful woman,  know that you are right where you should be.

our new years eve was spent with long time friends, nine children running like banshees, games, videos, pizza and goodies.  but before the clock could strike the kids melted down, who could blame them? it was hours after their bedtime.  we loaded them up and began the trip home.  our friend teased, "you know that whatever you're doing at the stroke of midnight is what you'll be doing all year long!" i grimaced as i realized that we'd still be driving home.  we came down off the point and into our valley to see the entire place illuminated. at 12 am, from mountain range to mountain range there were hundreds of families lighting off fireworks from their homes; making for one giant, flurry of color for us to witness.

oh yeah, i can feel it. this year's gonna be a great year.