wednesday night was another sleepless one, as in, i didn't get even one minute of sleep.  as the sun came up i remembered just how beautiful and energizing morning light is. i grabbed the camera and my lensbaby and began to experiment with the light streaming in.  the above set is out of focus, but i still love the raw flow of it.

then on friday a cue at shuttersisters showed me another reason i took these pics.  i was craving reality, in that moment i had wanted to fully see myself.  after a night of no sleep and other factors i felt worn down inside and out.  but our physical self is not all that we are, it's not even the only thing other people see.  i needed to see all of me right then, whispy facial hair and grease build up as it was.  and despite feeling so worn down, i can see the strength of my soul in these photographs.

i hope you'll turn the camera on yourself.  it's not vanity, it's not pompous, it's allowing yourself to see what other people see in you. it's about perception. it takes time, it takes practice, it takes trust, and there are many many many resources out there to help you gain the courage and direction to do it. wanna see some oldies? where i started.

 "only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructable be found in us."~Buddha~

for the full set

earlier this week i received a beautiful email that both surprised and clarified things for me in ways i can't quite explain... other than to share it here with you.  she spoke of how creativity moved her and she found herself grasping for something more. she then wanted to know how my personal faith anchored me and my creativity.  i have to admit that the first thing i did when i read it was laugh, not at her but at ME because i feel that i've been in a faith crisis for the past several months. my religion has not been my anchor and i've been floundering (sometimes in seizure like proportions). i haven't been able to write about it here for fear of being misunderstood, something that i still worry about.  but i unfortunately haven't been able to write about my process privately either, i have felt a block with each time i sit down... mostly it's a child-sized human sitting on my lap trying to gain my attention by placing their solid cranium directly between me and the screen. so as i sat down and replied to my dear friend, i felt the words and tears melt right out of me...

the thing with my faith is that i don't have it all figured out either. my life is crazy and chaotic and at times drowning in hopelessness.  i've suffered from depression since september and my relationship with my religion was brought to terms.  for awhile i didn't go, for awhile i renounced everything i knew, for awhile i felt renounced by friends that didn't understand or want to understand, for awhile i took some space away to figure out what my heart was telling me... and the truth is, i still don't know exactly where i stand.  my husband is incredibly faithful and has continued to plod on to church with all four kids, this has been a great example to me and i find myself joining him (if you have enough faith as a MAN to take 4 monkeys to three hours of church each week... well, there's got to be something to that! haha)  there's things that i don't agree with within my church, but there's enough that i can FEEL and KNOW to be true, that i think i'm at a place where i want to just continue on with it. i'm sure i can be a buddhist mormon. ;-)

i think that what i'm learning through this dark and difficult process is that i do believe that the mormon church is true, that the fundamental questions of why we are here and where we are going are answered through the doctrine.  i believe that the church possesses the true priesthood, the power of god; i believe this because i've truly seen it's miracles in my life.  i do have a firm testimony and belief in my heavenly parents, the creators of our spirits, and i believe they have a great interest in lil' ole me, i believe they love me. i believe in jesus christ, and i believe that through his sacrifice i'm redeemed from my struggles, my grief, my sins, and my afflictions.  all of that can be found in the mormon church, and while i've looked in other places, i've never felt the same spirit anywhere else.  it's not perfect, the people aren't perfect, but there is a peace to the mormon church that i've never found elsewhere. 

i do think that faith takes sacrifice.  finding a religion that fits easily into our previously existing life requires no growth on our part. to me, the fundamental reason we exist in this sphere is to grow, to learn, to master these bodies that house our eons old spirits. 

i believe that as a mama i understand better how god sees us. my four year old is often prone to believing she has the whole world figured out. she stubbornly fights me when i suggest she wear a coat or hold an adults hand before crossing a parking lot or even brushing her teeth.  and yet as a mama, i know the bigger picture, i can see that if you don't brush your teeth now it will lead to pain and frustrations down the road.  i have to believe that god can see more than i can, that he requires obedience not to oppress us but to help us see the bigger picture. and truthfully, we may not even see the bigger picture while in this life, but there is enough truth now to satisfy me that other things will work themselves out.

don't feel alone, i think that everyone struggles with their faith... but i do believe that artists especially struggle because we are a breed of passionate, strong-willed people.  i totally believe that god gave us our talents and that when we act creatively, it's one of the ways that we most emulate god himself. he created us, so when we create it stirs something within us.(it always makes me cry!)

this is one of the reason my RAW group has become such an important and necessary part of my life. we do more than just create art together, we dig deep about ourselves, relationships, and even religion and spirituality. having a tribe of women within 45 minutes of me has made an incredible difference in my life, i hope that you can reach out and gather the same for yourself there. 

if you'd like to know more about my religion i'd invite you to check out this website: www.mormon.org there's a lot of interactive tools and videos, text and images that could answer some of your questions.  if it stirs something in you, if you feel a yearning, allow the missionaries to come and visit. humble and kind 20ish year olds will show up and answer your questions.  i believe that our spirits recognize truth and we can feel that, so follow your heart and you'll find your peace, even if it takes you through some uncomfortable places first. ;-D

i think that all things ebb and flow, there is a season and timing to creativity. put aside your thoughts on how much you "should" be creating or what way you "should" be doing anything, you're YOU and have your own set of talents and imagination.  sometimes i force myself to paint because i know that it does make me feel better and sometimes i don't paint for months at a time. it's all ok, there's a summer and a winter for good reason. know that you're not alone, know that you are a talented and beautiful woman,  know that you are right where you should be.

last week we were on our way to a neighborhood party, when i saw her.
i stopped dead in my tracks and then changed course and ran to meet her.
this couch then proceeded to tell me stories,
stories of the life she had lived
and of all the things she still planned to do.
with her quirky smile i knew that i had to help her continue on her journey.
so we brought her home.

i guess what speaks to me is that when i'm down and frustrated in my work
i need to talk it out with someone i feel completely comfortable with.
and maybe that person has been through a few rough times as well,
making them that much more compassionate to your situation.
as susan tuttle said of her time at squam,
"we spoke the same language and there was never any reason to curb one's words or to explain what we meant by them -- we all knew and understood."

i think when we are shrouded with doubt about ourselves and our talents
it can often be those that know our inner parts that can remind us
of who we really, truly are.

and i love what brittany said in her comment,
"remember that we were made to create beauty. pray and leave it in His hands."

through it all, just don't give up,
press forward, fake it till you make it,
allow yourself to stumble
but always pick yourself back up and continue on.

the winner of liz's giveaway, picked by a random number generator is sarah!!!
she said, "Coming to a place (like this) - where you know that those around you are lifting you up...encouraging you to reach out...to not give up...to do something new - that is where I go."

thank you all for your thoughtful comments.
these giveaways have been so much more soulful then i could have imagined,
much more than just handing out some stuff. ;-D

come next week for kirsten's offering.

i wrestle often with the feeling that i'm just not good enough. that i don't measure up to the expectations of those around me or that i set for myself. and yet, i'm often told that i'm a very confident woman, and really i know this about myself. and so the tormenting wrestling match begins. emotion and expectation putting reason and understanding in a sleeper hold. but amazingly, reason and understanding roll out of it pinning those damned emotions and expectations to the mat!

in the end, it helps me to remember that there is a god who loves me and is watching me with a knowledge of all things. i might not get it all right now, but that's ok, because all i need to do is live each day with love.

i'm beginning to think that the things we struggle with the most, the things that we feel are our weaknesses, are most often our strengths... maybe just unrealized. our potential in these areas is incomprehensible.

and so, when i feel small, i take a quick self evaluation and realize that i'm just being tested. because, i know who i am and she is both loving and loveable. i try to see things in proper perspective.