i now know the meaning of "red eye." after struggling with getting to sleep for the past week i was up until 5 am last night... half tempted to just stay up for the long haul and hit the gym instead of attempting sleep again. and that's about when i forgot how to count and started seeing little people... that weren't my children. oye! time to sleep. (but as i crawled into bed i found something that was most def NOT chocolate, gah!)

my dreams for the past two nights have involved me being late and nekked. first i was a photographer for a wedding, but i was running around in a towel and getting yelled at by the purple-tie-die-tuxedo-shirt-wearing wedding coordinator, "girl! you have got to get going! snap SNAP" all while COMPETING with 8 other fancy photographers for a spot, as the bride makes her entrance. painful!

then last night's dream: amy shows up to take us to the airport for squam and my house is in complete dissarray as i've forgotten the date. i was crying because all of my clothes were dirty, my husband is frustrated that i'm leaving for 6 days and haven't gone grocery shopping, i forgot to get things printed for vendor night and have nothing to sell, and i'm not ready to go but don't want to miss my chance! again, painful!

i'm hoping that this weekend will bring a sense of normalcy to the sleep schedule and i can tame some of these insecurities by making progress on my to do list. last night's insomnia did lead to the purchase of my moo cards and the purchasing of my own domain (deets to come, i promise) which were both on the to do list, so, yay.

::in other completely unrelated but oh so important news::
picked by a random number generator, jessamyn takes home the gold for this weeks giveaway! of an afternoon together she sweetly said:

oh yay! what a dream of mine...an afternoon with the goodness that is jenica. i think we would simply "be" together. our kids would be running around like wild things, half-clothed, perhaps playing in the mud outside. there would be real life messiness happening...hurt feelings amongst the littles perhaps? poopie diapers to change. but in the middle of the chaos we would create calm...and we would settle into a joyous creative pulse. making things from paper and glue and paint and scraps. we would find wisdom in our conversation and we would most certainly be delighting in some type of delicious snack. good music on...children's laughter...mess and beauty. sigh.what time should i come over? ;)

i can't help but agree. an afternoon with any of you lovelies would surely involve art, mess, children, chaos, joy, and probably a few popsicles.

so come again next week, when surely we will have a giveaway from liz.

i have this perpetual dream. it's almost as if it's running all of the time subconsciously, because as soon as my eyes are shut, it's right there knocking.

i'm in a house, sometimes my own home, sometimes a tall saltbox style home, sometimes it's the house that i spent my elementary years in. the one thing that is always the same is that i'm walking from room to room to room, continually surprised by how many rooms there are. they are beautifully decorated and FILLED with folded quilts. i'm trying desperately to find that ONE room that i thought was right through here, well, maybe it's this way, no... where is it?

so really, it was no surprise that last week i had this dream again. i was in my home, searching through each room, again with the perfectly folded quilts stacked against the walls. i don't often dream of my children, my husband, or my family; my dreams, instead, are often filled with people i've never met. but this time i was nursing a baby as i walked from room to room. i felt peaceful and happy, but still on a mission to find my way.

i turned one corner to see someone that i know, who was brushing her teeth, she stopped for a moment and told me that i was never going to find my way, i might as well just stop right here and wait for her to finish. i pushed past her and continued on.

i walked into my dining area and found a GAPING hole in the hardwood floor. i became nervous as i saw my children running around the room, oblivious to the danger. my husband approached me then, wearing a toolbelt, smiling and happy. he calmed my fears and helped me look down into the hole. below us i could see a beautiful living room with wooden beams, all we had to do was pull up the floor we stood on and our new house would be completed. i awake.

there are parts of myself that i'm currently rediscovering. my role as a mother is paramount, to me it has always been my first priority, i began thinking seriously about motherhood when i was only 15 years old. however, i'm also learning how much i need to be jenica, how much my children need me to be jenica, how much my husband needs me to be jenica. thus i'm also discovering how to balance these three vital roles.

creating has always been something important for me. expressing myself through words, paint, song, film, dance, or pencil is when i feel like my very best self. creation, of course, also brings some feelings of inadequacy as i tend to compare myself against others. and so, like many good things in life, creating in any form has taken a back burner as i've thrown myself into motherhood. i was too busy creating humans to be challenging my inner artist.

i hadn't picked up a pencil in 6 years.

and then some very magical things started happening. i started having art dates with my friend, nicole. i started buying art supplies again. i bought an art journal that i've been filling with gratitude thoughts and sketches. i've been touching and smelling paper...a LOT. i've been introduced to encouraging, delightful, magical souls that have helped me to open my creative self up again.

and the true beauty of it all, is that my happy-smiling-tool-belt-wearing husband and my wild-happy-scampering children are ready to help me get back to my old/new self. to rip up those old floors and find what is deep, down below... it's really beautiful there.

so i'm taking a BIG, HUGE, scary LEAP and going to squam art workshops in september. i've been geeking out all weekend over it because it brings up such fears and feelings of inadequacy in me. and yet, i know that i will never regret going. it will truly be something beautiful for me. for us.