today i am grateful for:

• mornings with my little girls. every where i go, these two little shadows follow me. they are so beautiful, funny, intelligent, and SASSY.
• finding the voice to speak what's on my mind, even when my voice trembles and the words come out in a funny arrangement.
• G is on a pattern kick, much to her kindergarten teachers chargrin, she wears at least 3 different patterns every day.  we call it creative dressing.
• the sound of my children laughing together.  like a happy, bubbling brook.  laughing in unison, but with all their own characters showing through.
• john.  for what he teaches me. for how he loves me. for who he is. for his complete generosity.
• kindness.  whenever i feel down, doing something kind for someone else makes me feel better.  and it helps me recognze the kindnesses i receive.
• our clunker red car.  my van's transmission went out recently so we've been depending on the beater for our every day.  and it's still working!  it seats six VERY snuggly, so while there have been a few more sibling altercations than normal... there is something about all of us being squished shoulder to shoulder with the windows down {because the a/c doesn't work}, that just makes my heart sing.
• mumford and sons.  seriously. i am smitten.
• affectionate children.  from hugs and kisses, to F's classroom list: "the most important thing about freeman, is that he loves his sisters."  how did i get so blessed!?
• Random Art Workshops continuing to move forward.  i love teaching people that creativity begins simply with the first act.  just show up, something wonderful will always happen.

since this week has been a grey and cold one, i'm especially grateful for our monday evening mountain excursion.  with john working late, i loaded the kids up and we headed off in search of COLOR, earth, and the possibility of s'mores.  we drove up a canyon i haven't explored before, windows down, the sound of good music and children's laughter swirling around us.  while we never did find a suitable place for a campfire we did hike down the original mormon pioneer trail until we found a little clearing filled with red leaves and silence.  we munched on cookies and cold marshmallows and sank into the earth below us.  each of the kids took turns with the camera taking pics of what was important to them, i always love seeing the world through their loving eyes. E settled back, took a breath, and said dreamily, "i feel so loved here." me too, baby girl, me too! we all agreed to come back to the mountains more often. we loaded up as ominous clouds began rolling in and by the time we got home the storm had arrived.  it was a quick trip, but worth it on every level.

where is your peaceful place?  wanna join me on the search for COLOR?

for the trip to squam my brother gave me a book to read, Illusions by Richard Bach from which i take this quote:

"once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. the current of the river swept silently over them all-- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only it's own crystal self. each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

"but one creature in it's own manner said at last, 'i am tired of clinging. though i can not see it with my eyes, i trust that the current knows where it is going. i shall let go, and let it take me where it will. clinging i shall die of boredom.'  the other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! let go and that current you worship with throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!'  but the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

"Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

 after a long year of struggles i'm finding how important it is to learn to let go, to love without resentment, to live with compassion, to stop holding on so tightly to comfort and convenience.  as i first let go {mostly of my religion} it certainly did feel like i was tumbled and broken upon the rocks.  this past year has been extremely difficult for me, my mental health has hung in the balance for a long time, and my attempts at finding a pharmaceutical option has actually left me worse off than i was before.  so now i'm without anti-depressants and choosing happiness has again become my reality.  it's still shaky, every day is still a struggle to choose to get out of bed, to sort laundry, to reach out to others.  but the more that i trust in the person i have always been, the more confidence i rebuild and the stronger i feel. 

squam was an interesting experience for me in this, because i've reclused myself for so long and seen myself as broken for so long, i wasn't sure how i'd react to some serious artistic energy and passion.  in a few cases i was a weirdo.  but the majority of people saw me as i haven't been able to see myself: strong, confident, loving, loveable, and somehow talented.  i began to let go of the way i have seen myself for too long.  i found that even when i was shaky and panicked i was still loved and understood.

i'm learning to nourish myself in the ways that bring me happiness and peace.  coming home from squam i've found myself sketching again, singing again, teaching again, getting together with people again.  i'm also learning not to judge myself so harshly, giving myself permission to do what feeds my heart, even if it doesn't feed others.  creating art is part of my love language, it's where i find peace and my mind finally quiets.  funny enough at 5 pm every day, our most stressful time of the day as a family, my kids each get a streak of creativity and run off with paper, scissors and crayons. the act of creating art in any form calms them from the afterschool pre-dinner craziness. they might be making a mess right as i'm trying to clean up, but they are focused and peaceful.  i'm still learning to let go of the "shoulds" as i focus on choosing joy.  it takes bravery to let go, not knowing exactly what will come next, but every time i let go the opportunity for greater joy comes flowing in.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell

what are your thoughts on letting go?

while i did take my nikon to Squam, i only took a handful of pics with it.  instead i preferred the nostalgia that comes from shooting instant film, "Remember when this happened five minutes ago?? That was AWESOME!" 

but looking back on the pics that i came home with, i see a story of simple bliss, good friends, hilarious evenings, moments of sweet silence, being fully embraced, and beauty reaching into every corner-- expanding my heart upwards and outwards.  and i'm so grateful that i did shoot film, because each of these moments is captured with something tangible, something i can pin to my wall to remind me of my heart song.

i flew in a day early to spend time with nina and her mudge's AND got the opportunity to have a Random Art Workshop with 11 amazing women.  traveling can be hard on me, but when you have a safe landing right into the gilbert's home and then get to spend the night creating art with friends new and dear... well, that makes for a pretty great day.

my classes were amazing, Misty Mawn is a treasure, truly.  watching her paint was a liberating experience, as i've felt the heavy weight of my own resistance this past year keeping me from pushing forward in art. but watching her fluidity, her bravery on canvas, ignited something in me again.  i have always been enamoured by her portraits, so learning and creating with her filled me up to the brim.  i got into my groove and came out glowing.  i was so grateful for her instruction, i've never drawn with charcoal before, and she started us out with the basics in creating portraits from scratch.  she moved us from charcoal to marksall, adding new dimension to our work.  and then finally on to paint.  it was thrilling and it felt like coming home.  it's been so long since i've really dug deep and pushed through on a painting, misty facilitated that for me.

taking Pixie's class was a bit of a stretch for me, ok, it was a lot of a stretch as i've never even attempted animal figures.  but i did go into class knowing that a little lioness within me was aching to be brought into fruition, so as the layers built i kept looking for her, trying to put her into a 14 x 20 inch space.  after lunch i dragged my feet back to class, feeling stuck.  pixie led a meditation with light drumming and in that space i saw exactly what i needed to do.  the lioness came out in full power, robed in royal colors, crowned in sunshine.  and while it's not quite finished, she's well on her way.

my last class was yoga and after two days of hunching over my paintings i felt like my shoulders had been replaced with a very uncomfortable rod of iron.  but after three hours of stretching and breathing, the tension wiggled out and my body relaxed.  michelle's voice and visualizations guiding all of us through our headspace and straight into the complete present moment.  i love that squam has integrated yoga into it's schedule, giving room for so much clarity during an often overwhelming week, the gentle reminder to breathe a little deeper, push a little harder, and feel a little more.

but in the end, classes are only half the story, the rest occurs among friends in cabins or on the dock, laughing until my face hurts and i may or may not have wet myself.  walking quietly along the sacred trails, spotting wildlife and wild mushrooms, the entire campground is mystical-- a place of peace and expansion.  i was emotional this year, more so than in years past, but it was a safe place for my tears, just as it was a safe place for my laughter.  our cabin was the best and each night we'd gather for story telling, massages, and spontaneous (ridiculous) photo reenactment.

my plane didn't leave until sunday at 5 pm, which gave way for a day with maya, meandering through the back roads of new hampshire. we found our way to the ivy-covered home of her teenage years, our words babbling along, tangents of thought mimicking the road followed and tracked with her enormous atlas.

and then, the experience is over.  i wake up in my bed, the silhouette of G rushing into my room, before sunlight has even broken through the sky, to make sure i am really, truly home at last.  entering our daily rhythm again, hugs and snuggles as the longing mixed with the joy of the past week settles exhaustedly into all of us.  my trip into the woods is anything but solitary, it's something each person in my family sacrifices for. my heart is replenished and overwhelmed with gratitude, i reach out to spread the light on to them, thankFULL for their willingness to let me go for those moments, thankFULL to those that fill in the gaps while i'm gone, thankFULL to elizabeth and all of the peeps that make the week possible, thankFULL for this life i live and all that fills it.

whew.  is it really nearly half way through september?

this summer passed in a whirlwind for me.  i spent it mostly offline doing a lot of writing and emotional sorting, and the words just didn't flow to this space.  but i'm feeling them returning and i'm excited to share with you.

as you can see from the video below, the kids have grown up a lot.  they are beautiful, intelligent, and above all loving.  they are my inspiration and i feel so blessed that i'm their lucky mama.  they teach me daily how to love, see, listen, learn, and even how to let go.  i am so grateful for THIS life.

and now i'm looking forward to being in this new season.  i'm headed to squam this week to recharge, refresh, relearn, and relove.  have i mentioned how grateful i am for this life. right here, right now, blessed.

first day of kindergarten for my third child.

i cried.

she giggled and ran off.

then H and I came home and played playdough, memory, and had our own school (like old times).

for a few more views of the start of school

this morning i asked her, "well, birthday girl, what do you want for breakfast?"

she smiles wide, "presents, please."

when we sang happy birthday she requested the version: "happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too!"  she giggles, stands to blow out the candles, and loudly announces,

"i wish for a pony! ... or a DOG!!!"

today we had a summer water party at the house for the older kids and their friends.

today it was 60 degrees and windy and while we did have a lovely party, it was NOT a summer water party.  the kids were freezing!

within a few moments of everyone arriving we discovered a baby raccoon in our yard.

"hi, welcome to our house.  i know we just met, but do you have your rabies shots up to date?" <---insert awkward silence with shuffling.

luckily, shelley was there to save the day and calmly, as is her way, captured the raccoon in a bucket and helped me get to safety until we can take care of it.

how do you "take care" of a raccoon?  they're pests.  pests with kind brown eyes. pests with opposible thumbs.  pests that make super cool noises.  my husband's first idea was to kill it, as it's a pest.  i want to keep him.  i want to name him tom. or i at least want him to be handled with kindness, and we can still call him tom. 

enough about the raccoon. (even though it's something that's left every person in this household unsettled about his future.)

so the party wasn't what we expected, but it was everything it needed to be.  i knew that there would be between ten and sixty kids there, but it always amazes me that just the right people come at just the right moments.  two of the kids that came both live six houses away from us, but we'd never even come into contact with one another until they were in the same school class.  i'm so excited for the kids to be making friends that are RIGHT here.  woo to the hoo.

i also went to dinner with friends and remembered why it's so important to cultivate the friendships that matter, that feed us all mutually.  i'm so grateful for the women i have in my life.

wanna know what i didn't do today?  i didn't take a single picture with my camera.  and i'm perfectly good with that.  life is for the living.

xoxo

we went.  we enjoyed.  we celebrated. 

we ate.  we drove.  we laughed.  i cried.  we laughed some more. 

we drank in all the goodness that is Maya Stein. we made tiny plastic figurines and dioramas. 

we relaxed. we napped.  we sang to music.  we talked, like really talked.  we held hands. 

we.

WE.

US.

:-D

there are so many things i've been wanting to tell you.  so many words that i've wanted to share here in this space, but i just haven't made it here.  i know that part of it is that i lost my voice, not my physical voice, but the voice of my own truth.  i've been on a very swift and steep learning curve lately; some of those experiences and thoughts deserve to be shared.  there are some super, awesome things that truly deserve a whole post or three dedicated to them... but i'm finding i don't even have the energy to discuss it again.  so instead, please accept my bullet point outline of the past month.

• depression sucks.
• we celebrated our 10th anniversary.  it's an amazing thing to wake up to the same person every day for ten years and to still feel my heart flutter when he walks into the room.  i feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be married to a person that so fully sees my faults and loves me anyway.  i really, REALLY like him.  i like, like him. i love him.  to me anniversaries feel like a sacrament of the actual event, our marriage. this anniversary especially feels like a complete renewal and recommittment.  the past ten years have been so full, in ways that i expected, and in ways i could have never predicted, but am so grateful for.
  
• if i could freeze time, this would be the time i'd choose to relive over and over again.  the kids are so happy, funny, inquisitive and brave.  i'm honored to be their mother.  i find myself creating a time capsule of sorts, recording 5 minute snapshots of what we're experiencing, what the kids say, the crazy outfits they wear, their imaginative play.  our house is such chaos, happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless...and i want to remember it forever.
  
• went to a weekend retreat in california with some extremely nourishing friends. it changed my life. well, it helped me recognize my life; recognize the beauty that surrounds me every day.
• my yard is FULL of dandelions. and i'm a happy woman.  i get bouquets from the kids every day.  we started a table altar, a place to put all of the tiny "gifts" the kids bring me.  over dinner we discuss the happy things we did and the things we found through play outside.
• i did do the 12of12 challenge in april and in may, at some point i might just share those... maybe in june. ;-D
  
• i'm doing my darndest to hit a reset button on every aspect of my life.  it's natural to get into cycles in our lives, it's natural to find one way that works and stick with it.  and it's natural to get frustrated when what worked yesterday no longer works today.  i began asking myself what was working in my life and what wasn't, and what i could do about it.  we humans are pretty resistant to change, even if that means sacrificing our happiness because we're afraid to shake things up.  i made up lists of what wasn't working in my house and then brainstormed ideas of how to fix it.  i realize that this is a fairly 3rd grade way of looking at things, but it's made a huge difference.  my house was a disaster and i've FOUGHT it for years, the realization hit me that my kids are now finally old enough to truly help.  i've been trying to clean up after 6 people with no organization.  no wonder i kept failing!  i've split up the jobs now, so each person has daily responsibilities with 20 minute timers on them.  they don't have to finish the job, they just have to work on it for 20 minutes.  my son is a list fulfiller, so he's been in heaven to have a list to follow.
  
• my word of the year, CHOICE, has been a daily reminder to shake things up and find a new way to choose my life and how i want to live it.  the past year was all about deconstructing, in so many ways it was ugly and often painful.  it's taken me awhile to even recover from the internal demolition.  but it's amazing how freeing it is to be on the other side of it, with a completely clean plate that i'm filling with what will nourish me best.  i'm reseting everything i have control over and creating healthy habits that will hopefully lift me through dark times that will inevitably come.
• i get up at 5:30 am now.  i've never wanted to.  i've actually always hated mornings. but i've found that my body is happiest when i do it.  which also means i'm in bed by 10 most nights.  even one year ago i wouldn't have considered 5:30 am as anything other than the butt-crack of dawn. now it's my quiet time; time to write, do yoga, meditate, and quietly snuggle with my early risers.
• also realized that i've been ignoring my needs.  and it wasn't in a way that benefitted others.  if i'm thirsty, i get a drink of water now, instead of waiting until i was so thirsty i was cranky.  if i'm tired, i finish up my business and then i go to bed, even if there are still things happening that i'll miss out on. when i'm hungry i eat.  when i want to work out, i make the space to do it.  when i feel like organizing my closet, i do it.  i've basically been treating my body like i would treat a snuggly baby, listening very carefully to my body and giving her what she needs.  i follow the waves or winds of what my body and heart are asking for; when i do, a greater peace and contentment flows.
  
• our little family motto is taking on more of a life motto: SPREAD LOVE. being friendly makes me feel better about myself, and i'm realizing it makes a difference for other people too.  i'm on a mission to take the suspicion out of suburbia.  we live in a safe neighborhood but all of the neighbors regard one another with contempt it seems.  i've lived here for 6 years and still only know my neighbors that i went to church with.  that just feels wrong.  so i'm starting small, smiling and saying hello to every person i pass as we walk.   yes, i'm talking to strangers.
• on sunday i was puttering around the house while everyone was at church and i saw a girl pull over at the park across the street.  she got out of her car and promptly laid down in the sunshine.  i watched her for a few minutes and finally just got my shoes on and went to meet her.  i like to sit in the sunshine too and if she's willing to pull over and sit on the grass for a few moments, she may just be spontaneous enough to make a new friend.  i know she was a little surprised to have a stranger ask to sit next to her but we ended up having a really great conversation.  it's the little moments where i follow my gut that leave me delighted.  i'm learning to trust my intuition again.

happy summer y'all! what have you been up to?