every so often i feel the words piling up, building, mounting, doubling exponentially, growing at preposterous rates and i grow afraid to release the valve, the words may spew out too quickly to be understood the way they are intended.

the weekend before last weekend was spent in my own personal wilderness with a group of wild women.  to say i returned with a full heart would be the understatement of the year.  i feel filled to the brim, understood, loved and totally seen--even the ugly bits.  when pixie posted this i felt like i had finally found the words to describe what had happened:

A
Hunting party
Sometimes has a greater chance
Of flushing God and love
Out into the open
...Than a warrior
All
Alone.

-Hafiz, A Hunting Party

it's the collective that i speak of.  the collective joy, the collective mothering, the collective kindness that i believe is what is missing in my life. this is the root of the bud and the bud of the root. in my early years of mothering i felt extremely isolated, i felt that i wasn't strong enough to mother on my own, which made me feel weak and insufficient.  i haven't had a close relationship with my mother and my sister has already passed, so i mother alone.  this is not to say that i don't have a kickass husband who loves his children dearly.  this is to say that as a stay-at-home-home-schooling-children-adoring mother i have mothered as a one-woman show.  there are amazing women in my life, AMAZING women that strengthen me as a woman.  and i find that the times in my mothering that i had a friend who was willing to share this experience with me, were the times that i felt like i was the most present for my children, my heart was full so i could give more to everyone.

last friday all my AZ mamas gathered with their kidlets and we spent the afternoon sharing it all. there were 10 children there and mine weren't counted.  collectively mama's nursed, kids played, we passed babies, rolled dreadlocks, toys were catapulted down the stairs, lego creations were built, quesadillas were made from fresh tortillas, birth stories shared, remedies given, and the park was descended upon by all of us. my only sadness was that my children weren't nestled in with us.

growing up without sisters has always been difficult for me.  i am a woman's woman, but have always been unsure as to whether i was doing any of this women's stuff "right."  friday night georgia and i spent baking, and what started with the idea to make homemade oreos turned into brownies, cupcakes, and finally homemade oreos.  but mostly what happened that night is that we laughed until our bodies hurt and her husband came in to question how old we were. 

the weekend continued in this way.  feeling like i could lay down the weight of my heart and be totally seen, without fear of judgement.  laughing, dancing, laughing, crying, laughing, painting, eating, laughing.  yup.  that just about sums it up.  and i carried it all home with me.  my heart is filled with love, happiness, and a firm sense of being exactly who i am.  it's shifting how i feel about myself, because once i felt appreciated by others, i could finally see what they're seeing.  my insecurities are washing away.  i'm coming into myself... which leads to me being a more kind, open, loving, fun mother, wife, daughter, friend.