last year i picked the word wholeness to work towards.  i planted it, worked it, cultivated it, and it began to grow. by the time harvest had rolled around i realized that this year's goals didn't turn out as planned.  i hadn't planned properly, i had focused too much on certain areas and neglected others, i didn't water when the sun bore down, i plucked the fruit before its time, i was unprepared, plus the weather proved difficult and i wasn't up to the extra burdens. 

when i look at my list from last year there are things i did accomplish: i ate better and more thoughtfully, i exercised 3-7 hours a week, straightened out my back, drank gallons of water, took supplements daily, disciplined myself to pay my bills early, practiced active kindness, and even went on weekly dates with my husband. tic, tic, tic; list checked off.  how did i feel at the end?  nowhere near whole, in fact i felt like i had undergone serious demolition, stripped and hungry, shivering from any outside force.  cracked open, but certainly not whole. i failed my whole objective.

a few weeks ago i had written my feelings on cultivating wholeness in my journal.  i did feel like a failure as i listed all the reasons why i hadn't reached my goal and why i was actually in a worse spot emotionally at the end of 2010 than where i was in 2009. how could i choose a new word for 2011 when i had so utterly failed my last word? i felt stuck, unable to let go of the failure, the word, or even think about moving forward to something new.

a week or so passed and as i flipped through my journal a ticket flew out. as i caught it my journal fell open to the page on wholeness and i looked at the ticket a little closer.  on it were the words: Choose Your Life. it was a wish ticket from squam by the sea. we had each written our personal wish for our time there, put it in a basket, and then redrew someone else's wish to carry a prayer or thought for them as well.  i remember pulling out the ticket and seeing the words, "choose your life" and knowing instantly that it was Gretchen's wish. it was in that moment that i realized that my word had chosen me.

so this year's word is Choice.

• knowing that i have a choice on the matter of my happiness
• knowing that i have a choice in how i treat my family and the tone of voice i use
• knowing that i have a choice as to how i believe and how i believe that god sees me
• knowing that i have a choice as to where i spend my time
• knowing that i have a choice as to what to put into my body
• knowing that i have a choice to get off the couch, or away from the computer, or off of the phone
• knowing that i have a choice as to whether i do dishes or play barbies with my girls
• knowing simply, that i have a choice

i'm hoping that this year will bring me back to accountability, back to my heart, back to happiness.  it's so easy to play victim to my past, to my circumstances, to my past choices.  this year i want to choose consciously to be happy, to move forward, to play, to laugh, to BE.  and as my first order of business, i'm choosing to see last year, my garden of wholeness, as a learning experience.  i'm better prepared for this year, for my future, for wholeness to creep in on it's own.  because, like anything, it's not something that you can just arrive at. TA-DA!  i have all the answers and am officially whole, thanks for playing. i'm choosing to move forward with an open heart, an open mind, and receive all the joy that this world has to offer.