frozen
April 25, 2009 at 9:04 PM 
i'm a mess right now. she's done. she's really, completely, totally done. and i've been turning myself inside out about it all week. i can't really explain it; i'm truly in disbelief that i did this, it's one part awe and 7 parts torture. i can't remember the details of painting it, it all feels so surreal.
i realize i'm being melodramatic. but the truth is this, i don't know if i can do it again; maybe this was just a major fluke, maybe i can't do it without my teacher standing over me, maybe i can't do it with my own model. i just want to run and hide. i haven't painted at home in weeks.
and with the squam art show deadline this week ... i just want to crawl into bed and forget about it. after all of the encouragement i've offered to other peeps i just can't seem to go through with it myself. my heart is jumping out of my throat as my tears soak my shirt. when did i become this psychotic artist, willing to cut off my own ear if necessary? seriously. ;-D
before this class my work was more like play, abstracts and textures, paper and paint, imagination and eccentricity. i'm finding now that both ways are mine, both ways open up my soul and expose my inner parts... the realism demons are just a lot louder.
~~~edited to add~~~ after a night of sleep and some real thinking about irrational thoughts i feel SO much better. i had allowed the tiny mistakes to encompass my feelings of the whole. once i had written down all of my thoughts here i realized how i had allowed them to change how i really feel about the painting. i can do this again, it will take me time just like it did before, but i can do it. thanks for the love.
Reader Comments (17)
Jenica--She's beautiful. Don't worry--it wasn't a fluke. It's in you and those voices get quieter the more you prove them wrong.
Jenica, it's not possible she was created by mere accident.You can do it again. She is beautiful.
she really is beautiful, isn't she? and so are you, friend.
love you!
She is AMAZING! And, don't worry. You can do this again, you will only get better each time :)
xoxo
that painting is amazing Jenica! You are VERY talented!
There is no way something beautiful like that can be a fluke. It just isn't possible my dear :)
It's beautiful, Jenica. Congratulations.
this is really, really beautiful. it is good. and you can do this; you have done it, and you will continue to do it.
To echo everyone else's sentiments...she's beautiful. You're beautiful. You can do this again; I have no doubts.
The painting is fantastic. Way to go Jenica! You can do it again!
She's gorgeous Jenica and you'll do this again. It's funny how when we do something we're really proud of it can be intimidating to start something new. Just continue painting and playing.
And in the meantime, submit to the Squam Art show!!! It's about celebrating our Squammy path together, remember?
Big hugs to you,
Steph :)
xox
Jenica, she is beautiful. Just beautiful.
she is amazing love.
You can SO do this again, it will be a different experience every time you make a leap of experience, a leap of faith, and growth leap... and I SO want to see her hanging at artstream, cuz I'm selfish like that...
You and she are amazing. And you will make more amazing creatures such as her. Many, many more.
I remember how excited I was seeing that you chose to create this, because I was thinking "I can't wait to see more!" I think that's pretty much how I've felt with every creation you've posted so far. I don't think it's a fluke. It's unique, definitely, and each creation will be- (just like your kids, right?) and if you need to take a break to get your creative juices, do! But you are definitely not a one-hit wonder. :)
she is breathtaking.