oh i'm a jumper, spill hug listen, full on. people either love that about me or are overwhelmed by me ... i'm lucky that i have found some special friends offline who love that about me and even luckier i think to have found so many friends online who have accepted me and allowed me to be more confident about who i am in my daily life. its really best that we allow ourselves to be who we are because i think its easier to find acceptance from others when we accept ourselves. i have tried to push my triangle self into a square and it just doesn't work.

i think you are a strong powerful woman and yes that can scare people but luckily there are a lot of us who love that about you, uh huh. i can't wait to hug you in person :-) xo

i want this to be a discussion so i'm including my email back to darlene: thank you love. i remember when john and i first got together i met a girl that was so shy she wouldn't even look at me. i never saw her speak to a single person. finally i asked john how i could befriend her when she won't even make eye contact with people. his answer was simple, "mirror her. she doesn't want someone loudly asking her how she's doing, she wants someone that she can just be with." so the next time i saw her i sat down next to her quietly, waiting several minutes, then said something quietly to her. conversation actually insued and suddenly she lit up, started chatting, and didn't stop!

my level of self-disclosure is naturally very high. i don't have an off button for it! i think when we're willing to open up about ourselves, it allows others to feel safer opening up as well. but what if the other person doesn't want to open up at all? is that time and energy wasted on my part? or do i just get to take it as the process?

LOVE you.

and here was my email back :-)

i don't think the time and energy is every wasted ... i love people and its always worth it i think to make other people comfortable and you never know. i was at a christmas party this year and there was a quiet girl, i started talking to her and ended up telling her about the twins and blah blah blah. she got tears in her eyes and shared with me how her fiance had died shortly after they bought their house together ... she never shares that with anyone and has been hiding out, grieving. she told me that me being so open about my own experience allowed her the safety to open up to me ... we have become lovely friends and she is awesome.

worth it.

but then there are those people that it just never works with, its always awkward and the only way it fits is if i completely change, so not worth it. i think that the girl you met that was shy still had a personality that fit? so that works. i find it hard with people who just don't want to open up ... i am open, wide open, so its hard for me to be with someone who doesn't at least respect or allow that in me. i can accept that others aren't like me so long as they accept me, it doesn't always work that way ... hmmm. maybe that's what it is at the end of it all ... acceptance. we can be different so long as the acceptance is there :-)

i love talking (or writing) things out ... its how i figure stuff out. so um .. thank you for letting me ramble. acceptance. i like that word.

:-)

muah!!
xoxo

I am both WIDE open and slow to open... if that makes sense.

I was almost not hired for a job because they thought I seemed too quiet and reserved... Soon after they hired me they saw that I can be anything but.

Sometimes on meeting new people I hang back and assess the situation before I feel I can step in and fully be myself. Sometimes that happens quickly, sometimes slowly...

I think that is what has been so appealing to me in online relationships. It has been so much easier to find like minded individuals... honestly I don't have all that many good friends in my real life situation that live anywhere near me, friends yes... but gooood ones, no.

I *heart* the internet for this.

Oh I'm very hesitant to open up to people. That's probably why I don't have very many friends. That - or nursing school. Haha. But, seriously, I've always had trouble sharing my whole self. I've often wished I were more open and friendly, but that's just not me. I don't feel comfortable doing that right off the bat. Baby steps. But I don't have time for baby steps, and play dates, and get togethers right now in my life. Maybe there will be a time for all of that ...

katie: well then, thank you for opening up here. ;-D

it's funny how our impression of people is so different that how they see themselves, i've always thought of you as open. i'm also beginning to wonder if it could be a family thing. you have a lot of sisters that you keep close to, that you can be open with, so maybe there isn't the same need to reach out and make friends? plus being busy with nursing school, running marathons and being just plain busy also gets in the way and gives you a different social environment.

i could seriously devote my life to researching stuff like this.

thank you all for sharing!

i jump right in and i think i put people off, at least in my life in NJ. i can't play games, don't know how to pretend or go slowly...if i like you and want to be friends with you than i'm right there and it doesn't seem to be the operating instructions for people in my day-to-day.

i also think that a lot of the mamas i do meet are perfectly happy with their group of friends and don't really need anymore. i find it incredibly hard to infiltrate new groups and it frustrates me so i end up doing things alone because i can't wait for people to join. sigh.

It depends on my mood, on how I was feeling when I met the potential friend, on the other woman, on if the sun was out that day or if it was rainy, on how the kids have been behaving...it's different every time for me. Right now, I don't have any constant friendships where I feel completely comfortable and natural and I'm feeling a gaping, aching hole. The only adult I feel that way around lives very far away and is going through some awful stuff that I can't help her with, and it's breaking my heard in a million different ways. Not that that had anything to really do with your question...speaking of oversharing. *grin*

I actually do a bit of both... I think it depends on where I am at with myself on any given day that affects how I jump in, or wait patiently. I have noticed lately tho that I sometimes hold back from the exhuberent jumping in because I have watched people take a step back (oh, that move... : ) Love this question Jenica, it's made me think a lot about friendship...

I used to dive right in, but have become more cautious over the past year or so...so I would say I have become someone who intentionally maintains some distance for a bit longer to let the friendship unfold naturally. Good question.

What a yummie discussion...
I...hmmmm...would say dive right in! Cause I can talk! Teehee...

I'm 34 now and up until about 25 I could not talk. I stuttered since I was 7, and in my friendships in school, I was always part of every group in the school...in break we would sit and talk - i would say something, they would not hear me and then when they asked me repeat it, i would just say no, it was nothing...too scared to talk because now i'm going to stutter. Thinking back about it, it was terrible! I could not say what I was thinking, everybody told me who i was and what i wanted, they chose for me and decided for me...never ever asking me what i would like...or what i would love to do/say/be...

then in 1992 i met my gorgeous husband...the first time he phoned i asked one of my friends to talk as if she is me...(teehee..silly...) and he said he wanted to talk to me...i don't have to talk..i can just listen...and he told me all the reasons he like him...he taught me that my opinion matters, that what i have to say is important and that if it take all day, he has time to listen to what i dream off...(what an amazing man!!!! falling all over in love with him at this very minute!)

Back to your question...since i started talking and standing up for me, stopping people when i stutter to make them wait to hear what i have to say, life have been GOOOD!!!! And now I cannot stop talking..teehee...but...i'm also very sentitive towards others that are shy...don't feel as if they have the confidance to talk/say...and for me...knowing where i'm coming from...i'll silence others to give them the chance to talk...(i'm on a different topic again..) (teehee...i can help you with your research on this one...teehee)

i'm like Dar - wide wide wide open...but as much as i talk...as much do i love to listen to others....to share...the embrace...to experience life through their live...

Blogging has connected me with amazing women (as amazing as my husband). I've been hiding away...but oh! how do i miss all of you...

so sweetie...come on right over..and we can chat!!! Teehee!!

Love this photo of you...love it!!! and you (but you knew that!) xx

PS: together with being wide open...i easily tell my frieds that i love them...others are not like that...i feel that when you truly know someone saying i love you...is just that...loving you xx

ps: should have sent you an email...xx

hmmm...I think I do both. With people I recognize that kindred spirit it (you, as one example) I dive right in and splash around. If it's a friendship that might be a little bit tougher to get to, if the person is a bit shy or stand-offish, I tend to wait for them to get used to me and give some sort of sign that they want to share. One of my newest friends was like this, and it's funny because now we laugh at how much alike we are in so many ways.

I'm typicaly slow to warm up, always have been. I have a hard time talking about myself because I think most people perfer to talk about themselves and be listened to. I love learning about other people and really like to sit back and take time to observe. I don't know how to make myself seem interesting and though I'm really silly and funny (at least I think so) that doesn't come out until I'm completley comfortable with someone. I think in my perfect world, people would just approach me in interest and I would share because I'm not private. I've been going to these mom group things recently and I've discovered I'm much more outgoing then I give myself credit for, but I give up if I'm the only one keeping up the conversation! I think a lot of people are shy and slow to warm up and I do believe that sometimes you know right away if there's a connection or not.

It all depends. I usually just let it be what it will be on its own. Sometimes that results in instant friendships, the kind where I feel like I've known this person for years and years. Like we have always been best friends. Sometimes the trust and appreciation develops slowly over time. Sometimes, despite my best efforts, it never develops. My favorite friendships are equally and energetically reciprocated. In all of the scenarios though, learning about and finding common ground with new people is the best part of building a friendship and that always happens over time. Love you Jenica, you are such a unique and beautiful person. Im glad we are friends. :)

swirly took the words right out of my mouth.

i have learned to slow it down too, even when my natural self is way open and vulnerable.

good post!

:)

xo
mccabe