last thursday i received a slew of phone calls that i am extremely grateful i wasn't home to get. my husband luckily intercepted them and was able to tell me the news in exactly the way i needed to hear it.  my dad had a massive heart attack brought on by three arteries being nearly completely blocked. he had been at the st. george temple getting ready.  we're still not sure how long he was down for but CPR and difibs were the only thing to bring him back.  once they got him to the hospital they administered a 36 hour cold MI where they literally dropped his sedated body to a cool 86 degrees. this acts like a reset on his neurological system and can greatly improve his chance of full recovery.

my brother, husband and i went down friday night and saw him as they were beginning to slowly rewarm him but he was still completely out, intubated, and hooked to lots and lots of beeping machines.  we were prepared for this.  interestingly enough we were not really prepared emotionally to be staying at his apartment.

if we had entered his home during a visit with him we would have found things very different.  instead it was as if his life had just paused for a moment midstride.  we found that this spoke of his true character in a much more truthful fashion than the acclaims of those that "know" him now.  we had been told and somewhat badgered by one woman in particular that we needed to completely let go of the past and know that our father was a changed man.  but it was through his own words and his own home that we were able to make peace with the fact that he has not changed.  and that's ok.  we all feel that we've forgiven him but also have the emotional boundaries in place to keep ourselves safe.

the next day as we visited with him we were moved with a great sense of humanity.  we held his hand and told him over and over again, as his memory looped, what had happened and where he was.  he told us of his love, he apologized, and he told me how beautiful i was... again on a memory loop.  i don't believe i've ever been complimented so many times. ;-D  my brother asked how i could have so much patience to tell him the same story so many times, and with a laugh i reminded him of the obvious, i have four children: the same books, the same chores, the same heeds and warnings... repeated all throughout the day.

in the evening we took a break and went to see new moon. and while it was cheesy and ridiculous at times, it was actually really good.  we stayed up late talking and laughing and eating obsene amounts of gummi worms.  i felt ridiculously grateful that i had the two of them with me for this trip. so grateful that my mom watched my kids so we could go without worries.  so grateful for the way that the three of us kept one another in balance, allowing each person to have their times of frustration, anger or sadness.  i couldn't have been in better company for this circumstance.

the next day i went alone and sat with him for about 5 hours.  he was much more awake this time, his memory lasting for at least an hour at a time.  but he was in a panic.  attached to monitors and breathing apparati proved to be extremely taxing on his emotions.  he fought each breath and procedure.  due to extra fluid on his heart he was coughing a LOT.  the only real solution was a BiPAP mask that helped to force the oxygen he needed into his lungs.  he immediately stopped coughing but fought us to get it off.  for the next hour i coached him through it, in the same manner that i coax a mom through childbirth, each minute a success. 

the last 20 minutes he was asking every minute if he could take it off so i began to sing to him from the hymn book, singing be still my soul and others repeatedly.  his heart rate and breathing were still elevated and i often felt doubtful that my voice managed to make a difference for him, but my hope is that it calmed his mind.  it was interesting that as i sang the nurses and docs never interrupted, only asking questions or checking him in between songs.  it was a really beautiful moment that was perfect for both of our hearts.

after the breathing treatment they wheeled him away to put in a balloon pump; this inflates after each heartbeat pumping a small amount of blood back to the heart to help it heal.  he'll have to be flat on his back as long as the balloon pump is in.  i haven't heard today how he's dealing with it.  but with the surgery happening tuesday morning at 7am, my hope is that he can just get through his emotions and panic now and then we can work to help him heal after his surgery.

i came home completely and utterly exhausted.  i'm taking the time i need and setting the emotional boundaries necessary to be able to be of greater help in the future.  it's an interesting situation to be in, to be sitting with your estranged father after years of silence and scorn, to be moved with such humanity and love, and yet to know what i need to do to keep myself safe. i'm glad that we went.  i'm happy for the help that i could offer.  i'm grateful for the love and support of those that helped me to get there. and i'm offering no promises on the future.  and that's ok.