creation
October 1, 2009 at 3:53 PM 
the question i am asked more than any other is, how do you do it all? i get asked this from people that knew me as a mother but not an artist, or as an artist but not a mother. how do i do it all? well, i don't. i finish a painting every couple of months, i have months of pics (including a wedding) that i haven't even bothered editing, my kids beg for my attention, my house is in complete disarray, my baby weight is still firmly around my waist, my friendships are often put off for days or weeks at a time. i don't do any of it very well.
night before last an epiphany was handed to me. i am putting my art before my family, before my children, before my marriage. it was a cold, hard truth that bit me to my very core. as the realization sunk in i stormed out of my house and walked to where the sidewalk ends (due to construction, this is only one house away) and i, as it were, rent my soul apart. my house is suffering, my children aren't receiving my full attention, my husband is often last on my list of things to do.
i decided in that moment that this must not be my season to create art. i must put it up on the shelf for a time when little eyes and hands and mouths don't need so much from me. i must walk away from this thing i'm carving out for myself because it just doesn't fit into family life. my soul gasped as the tears exploded from within. the wind howled around me welcoming a storm into the valley. as i choked on this new reality i watched as the wind whipped the hair of my shadow up against the battered fence i sat close to. suddenly i wished for my camera.
and i realized fully that i can't ever give up art, i don't know how to.
i gathered my emotions and returned home. but with each toy i picked up, with each book i replaced, with every dish i washed... the tears continued on. my husband gathered me in his arms as i melted again. as we went to bed that evening i still didn't have any answers and the questions kept on begging me: why do i even create art? why do i feel such a need, a pull, a burning desire to make things? what is it's worth? if my only time to create is during ME time... when, as a mother, does one ever get MEEEEEE time? even if i do see things that others don't, what is the point of any of it??? i poured all of these questions into a prayer and then dismissed myself to sleep.
in the morning the first thought on my mind was a schedule, getting into a better groove with my kids will hopefully open up some more time. i've always resisted a schedule because i like to move like the wind; i don't fit well in a box. i spent the morning busy with an art co-op with the kids and then lunch and cleaning, and finally i sat down at my computer and quickly found this update and this one from the movie i mentioned in my last post.
and it hit me. yes, i create art for myself and my happiness first, but another reason i create is to give my children the courage to create their own art, to follow their own dreams. i think of the art journals my oldest has created based on paintings i have done and it inspires me to keep going, knowing that she is watching my every move. if i give up now, what will that teach her?
and then i got the kindest of bitch slaps i could have received. my dear rex called and bore her soul to me, not even giving me a chance to defend myself. ;-D how could i deny my art when it causes people to FEEL things. she noted her response to this painting and the emotions it had evoked in her. this is not something i set out to do, to make people cry... but i am beginning to believe that when i follow inspiration, beautiful things happen.
that evening an imprompu RAWR night insued (random art workshops...renegade!) amy reminded me through her gentle encouragement that it was within my grasp. all of it, even in this crazy spring time season of my life, with children growing all over the place!
in the end of this melodramatic story i find myself feeling very loved, knowing that God provided me with insights and friends throughout the day to bolster my soul. i don't have to do it all perfectly. but i do need to do it all, for her:
Reader Comments (12)
so much I want to say to you about this....but so hard to put it into words. It's the proper "weighting" of things that makes it tricky to find the right balance. Just know that you are not the only one who struggles with this. But I know that I know that I know that there are ways to have your art without jepordizing your family and your marriage. You do need your art in your life - it makes you a better mother and wife. You do need to work through alot of this on your own to come to that place of balance, only you know the true dynamics of your family, but you are not alone my friend.
I echo Anne-Marie-- you are not alone-- and expressing this truth is so helpful to so many--- you will find balance in the one day-- in this day-- you can have it all, just not all at the same time just as you wouldn't pile an appetizer, dinner, salad, dessert onto one plate and then pour coffee all over it-- pace yourself, be kind to yourself-- see how much you LIVE as an artist, how you LIVE creatively and how that is the example your children and those around you witness . . your creative response to life, the daily creation of your beautiful life.
I have mixed feelings about this post because I fight the same battle. Not necessarily with art, per se, but with finding a balance between me as ME and me as a wife, a mother, and (good grief) a Mormon. I think that art is a wonderful outlet for you, and you create beautiful things. I would never want you to stop creating. I think that the feelings you expressed in this post demonstrate your ability to reset your priorities. There are times when we let ourselves get carried away, and maybe you just needed this moment to realign yourself. You don't need to stop creating art! Your soul will suffer!
P.S. I just realized I haven't even seen you since you've had chocolate pudding hair! OhMyGosh!
I struggle with all the same things. You probably know that, since I kept grabbing you and saying THAT IS MEEEE! and was crying with my ugly face cry while we watched Who Does She Think She Is a couple weeks ago.
thank you for this post :) It has reminded me of things I need reminding of.
I love that I bitch slap you and Amy offers gentle encouragement- you get it all with your RAW girls baby! I love you lady- you are going places and I enjoy my window seat view. xxox
girl. my aunt peggy couldn't have said it better.
xo
you are going through a journey right now...and it is hard.
but you are going to come through it beautifully...
love to you.
and loooove that photo!
xoxo
I think you and I talked about this once, but I firmly believe we are given our talents for a reason. To deny them is to deny whatever force you believe created you and you just. can't. do. that. Balance is not something you find and bam-there. it's done. you are balanced. Instead, it's a continual search and a never ending give and take. you have a lot going on, but you can make this happen. and you have all of us behind you ready to pick up your kids, clean your house, or just come over and force feed your kids cucumber-dill hummus. :) You are too talented not to share this gift. So you work and you sweat and you try to make things right. and in the end, you can have it all....it just might not be perfect. Which is perfectly ok.
You are a beautiful talent ~ and your talent will find a way ~ it wants to shine ~ and be shared:)
Lovely new space here ~ I will be back with tea:)
Thanks so much for sharing this. I found it through the comment you left under my post on SS. So many of us have struggles like this because of the decisions and responsibilities we've made/taken on in our lives. I hope you hold on to your rt and dont let go - your work is beautiful and is a part of you... a necessary part.
Your thoughts are so dear to my heart. I wonder all the time how to do it all and do it well, but I think you are so right in saying that we have to do it all and know that it might not always all be done well, but that it's in the trying to that we will improve.
Someone recently said to me, "You've got more to give." and I think that that is a great way to think about life. We've all got more to give.
Great post. Thanks for sharing this.
It is nice to know that you and so many other women feel this way. In fact, it is usually the women I respect the most who struggle with this question. I don't think anyone has "figured" it out and that suprised me until I realized that there is no "good" way. Just the way "my" family or "I" have chosen to do it. "Come what may and love it!" I love you.