spc contrast: now vs then

i feel the need to talk about how i got here. how one invitation has completely and totally changed my life. how i never in my wildest dreams would have thought that i would have found kinship through the mess that cyberspace can be.

nearly two years ago i was struggling in every sense of the word. i was officially struggle girl. my therapist explained that all of it was circumstantial stress, just try not to be so hard on myself. but i could feel myself spiraling into a depression. my parents recent divorce had taken it's toll on me emotionally, but i also had just found out that i was pregnant with my 4th child in five years. i was sick and stressed and i couldn't even leave the house because my kids were extremely sick for 6 solid weeks during that bleak winter. my children were permanently adhered to my body with snot. even though i knew that i needed to eat to support my unborn baby, i simply couldn't; when i should have been gaining weight healthily, i lost 10 pounds.

it was in this messy state (feb 2007) that i found dear georgia again, through myspace (that dirty scoundrel). i was so happy to be conversing with her again after 8 years without contact. we hadn't been the best of friends in high school, but i had always felt a kinship with her. while on IM she asked me if i had a blog. i replied that i didn't even know what a blog was. she sent me hers of course, but then gave me a list of a few of her favorites. i immediately fell in love with denise, thea, michelle, and dear nina. we were all in such different places in life, and yet i felt an immediate connection with each of them.

so i began to blog. it took me awhile to find my true voice, several months really. i began to meet people through sunday scribblings and self portrait challenge (which truthfully i thought had to be the most narcissistic group of people ;-D... but after participating i found that i didn't have to hate every picture that i was in, i began to see myself with clarity, the way that other people view me). i found that my family and neighbors, to a large degree didn't care to read my blog or simply didn't understand the point of it. being inspired though by all of the lovely women i was reading, i began to open myself to creativity and i began to feel happy again. truly happy because it was coming from within.

i have always drawn and taken pictures, made cards and played with paper. but when i got pregnant with my first, my focus completely changed to the routine of diapers, milk, and sleepless nights. even in this lovefest that i was having with my children and husband, i had misplaced some of my favorite things: writing, drawing, and creating (things other than children). painting and sculpting were things that i wanted to learn to do, but they're expensive hobbies to start in, especially with the fear looming that maybe i would just hate to do it anyway.

so there i was struggling with my every day life, but feeling reprieve through my new creative outlet. i was writing again, except with the added bonus of feeling the instant support that comments give. as i felt strengthened and buoyed up by women i had never even met, my mindset towards the internet began to change. maybe there really were women, in all stages of life, that understood the way i saw the world?

fueled by mutual admiration nina and kirsten encouraged me to come to squam; it felt so BIG, so much bigger than one little one could ever be. but after encouragement from my husband and a massive amount of hyperventilating, squealing, and freaking out i registered and bought my plane tickets.

and then it happened. and it was everything benevolent, lovely, and inspiring as i could have ever imagined. not only had i felt loved and inspired via typed words but to meet in person and to stand toe to toe with so many women that i admired... was mind blowing. and getting past the meeting of bloggers, there was an honest heart to heart connection that i felt with EVERY person i came into contact with. i had no idea that i would walk away with so many lovely new friends. now i look back and wondered what i actually had expected from SAW.

so here i am.

finally feeling like myself again. and yet i've grown in a million ways. i LIKE being a mother again. i'm creating every day. i'm dressing how i want to. and i'm feeling loved and truly happy. thank you dear georgia for jump starting my life.

post prompts: 1) obviously the thoughts in my head
2) sunday scribblings: invitation
3) self portrait challange: contrast