tagged 
just me
just me a gift from wendover
December 29, 2008 at 10:58 AM 
on our way back from the hub's hometown we always stop in wendover, NV. it's the last "metropolitan" area before home and an ok place to get grub. we had a lovely visit with my inlaws and very much enjoyed our second christmas out there. but on the way home i was feeling so completely drained. i was feeling very "not myself," misunderstood, and completely out of sorts.
at church i had dressed like i always do, but it was just too much for smalltown, USA. i could hear them whispering, "look at those fishnets! and that BAG. who would wear that..." it hurt because i realized that they didn't understand the woman wearing those fishnets with the adorable garter ribbon tops. they didn't see past the outside. after 8 years with my husband, i'm still on the outside.
so after eating in wendover, the hubs went into a convenience store and returned with the best piece of news i had gotten all day. my friend, amy, was in the gas station with her daughter. 110 miles from our home and at one of 20 places to stop, was my dear friend. she came out and we visited for just a few minutes, i was absolutely THRILLED to see her.
and i was instantly myself again.
at church there had been a discussion in class about how despair is the opposite of hope. the teacher asked, "what do you do to overcome despair, how do you regain hope in your life?" the immediate answer was simply, "well, you just pray." i snorted to myself, not because i don't believe that prayer works, but because sometimes the despair can be so deep that just praying isn't enough. the teacher then asked, "what do you do when the despair is so thick that you CAN'T pray?"
crickets chirped. the ladies looked at each other in shock, how could you ever feel like not praying?
and feeling misunderstood and so far from home i didn't say what i knew i should have. but my answer would have gone something like this,
"women need women. we need to feel seen and understood. and when despair overcomes us, and we lose all shred of hope, we need someone who sees the real us to remind us of who we truly are. we need to be reminded of our strengths, we need to be lifted up, we need to be reminded that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. prayer works, but we often don't receive the answer we want or in the timing that we desire. sometimes the trial is that we don't feel the love of god, we feel abandoned, and that leads to the greatest despair of all. we each need at least one friend that can remind us of how loved we truly are, how we can accomplish the task at hand, and how strong and completely beautiful we are."
Reader Comments (18)
Well... If I had seen you, with fishnets one I would have been the first person to run over to you and befriend you :)
I understand each and every word you wrote here.
xoxox
I love your insight to this, because it is so true. I think that is one reason why I get nervous when I move, because with it comes a loss of this in a way. We still communicate with our needed friends who understand us via blogs, phone, or email, but sometimes you need that person to be there to physically smile at you. And recently I have experienced so much despair that I have had a hard time praying. I have craved the smiles from those who live far away. Thank you for putting some of my feelings into words, and next time don't be afraid to speak up. I have no doubt someone was sitting there searching for an answer to that question. I love ya!
oh i love it.
i've said it once and i will say it again- people identify with most of the honest and taboo things that could be said (but rarely are) they just don't want to be credited with agreement. but you give the gift because you permit them to identify with you:)
I agree 100%. We all need that in our lives even if we don't have it. I wonder if some forms of depression are because people just don't have that in any form. I miss seeing you at church. I miss my hugs from Genesis!!
Jenica:
Seeing you was the highlight of a LONG trip back from California!
I had been feeling a little depressed after leaving my sister and a little bit lonely after being in a car for almost 12 hours with a 16 month old for company. You and your cute family were just the antidote I needed- a reminder of another reason I live in SLC, GREAT FRIENDS!
Women do need women. Thank you for becoming part of my tribe and part of my world. You make it so much sweeter!
Much love to you!
Oh, I fully agree...without my best friend, I don't know where I'd be.
I'm from a tiny town myself, where the new people in church are noticed by everyone- I never understood the concept of keeping them at arm's length. They are at church, after all. I was always excited to meet the newcomers.
And I think it's awesome that you wear fishnet stockings. I got made fun of this past weekend for wearing red high heels. Apparently, mothers of 4 are only supposed to wear sneakers or "sensible" shoes. Pffft on that.
wow! i can't believe that even in the year 2009 that a hip little fashion statement such as fishnet stockings could still twist a few lips. i don't know about you, dear, but if that's the inside, i'm staying outside. it's sunny and free out here.
how i wish i was there because i might have leaned in and asked, "excuse me, but are secretly covetting her stockings?"
xoxo
Wow! Well I think fishnets are FAB and you have a great sense of style!! You may not have shared your thoughts at church, but I'm very grateful that you shared them here! True that ;)
If they think fishnets are bad, they really need to get out more - and come to my ward in the ghetto! :)
And I love you! Even if I don't have time to comment on your posts, I always look forward to reading!
And one more thought on your post...
Very often, the women who see us, who understand us, who "get" us are the answers to the prayers we send out while fighting off the despair. We need to be in touch enough to get past our own ideas and expectations and reach out to those who might need us.
Much love is being sent your way, you fishnet-wearing, small-town visiting, truth speaking friend. Just love you.
word.
you are just so rawkin', sister.
so thankful that you are in our world. xo
amen, sister. amen.
oh sweet jenica...if anyone doesn't take the time to really get t o know you it's their supreme loss and i mean that. xxooo
Amen.
Love it! Love that you saw Amy in that random place just when you needed her. A little Squam love at the perfect moment!! Did you get your email about this year!!!????
beautiful words! beautiful- yes, so true!
i start this comment with a disclaimer...i am very tired in this moment. and when i am very tired i am often very emotional.
so i am crying.
okay, got that out.
i needed to read this post in this moment. you know how that happens? how you come across a post you missed and it is just what you needed to read even if it was posted a week ago?
thank you for sharing all of this story. and for sharing what you would have said.
and i am also feeling so grateful after reading these comments...yes.
deep breath.
i am so blessed to know you.
xoxo
i read this a long time ago, but it came to my mind in my new relief society in my new ward where i haven't felt exactly the most welcome this last sunday. i just wanted to tell you how much i agree and how much i wish other women realized how much we need each other.