i'm going to start a series of "i remember when" postings. there are bits and pieces of our lives that make up the tapestry of who we really are, moments in time that help to later define us, our core values, the paths of our lives. there are things that haunt us, that can consume our daily thoughts. i need to let them out, let them fly away.

i was pregnant with my third child when i received the news, steve was dead. i stared at the blinking cursor on the IM screen, surely my friend had been mistaken, steve was going to be a doctor, a collector of european sports cars, a falconer! he couldn't be dead. but he was. he drank himself to death. he had died alone, heartbroken and depressed.

as the reality of the situation set in i began to add up the time that we had spent together. we had never had a normal relationship, i had always been the girl on the side; he had a long time girlfriend the entire time we had dated. but as i added up the time we actually spent together i realized that i had dated him for 8 months in total. while i had never considered him to be my boyfriend, i had been with him for longer than i had with anyone other than my husband.

after we had broken up i never spoke to him again. i went on in life and got married, shutting the door completely on past relationships. i did run into his girlfriend shortly after i had my first child, she happily informed me that they were still together, seven years at that point. i was happy to hear that news, happy that they had worked things out. their relationship had always been up and down, back and forth; they were both prone to cheating on one another, but they always ended up back together. in january of the year he died she had broken things off for good and he spiraled down into the depths of depression.

when the shock and numbness wore off that day in may i became angry with him, livid even. i closed the door to my bedroom and screamed to him. why would he let his life waste away like that? he was so smart, so funny, so caring. how could all of that disappear? the anger was short-lived. i crumpled into a heap on the floor, tears spewing out as the sadness overcame me.

after crying for about 20 minutes over the life that steve would never leave, guilt began to set in. this guilt was two fold. i felt awful that i hadn't been there for him. before and during the time we were together he was my closest friend. we understood one another in ways that no one else could. why couldn't i have been there for him during this time in his life? i would have seen the signs, i would have gotten him the help he needed. maybe i could have stopped the heavy drinking at the critical moment.

i looked at the clock and the second sweep of guilt washed over me. my husband was due home from work any moment. i love my husband dearly, how could i let the life of another man effect me so deeply? i had a happy wonderful life, pregnant with my third child, deeply in love; truly i had everything i wanted. i tried to pull myself together before he arrived, but i was quickly failing. i dialed a friends number and in a rush explained the situation to her, all of the guilt and sadness tumbling out my mouth as the tears streamed down my face. she immediately answered my question: how could i let this effect me so deeply? because he was a piece of my puzzle; he had been a sincere part of my landscape. and while i was finished with it, when i look over that time of my life there will always be a portion missing.