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prego, the hubs, the other side
prego, the hubs, the other side the other side #1
August 1, 2007 at 12:59 AM The hubs has been *begging* me to be able to tell his side of the story on many of my stories, so i figure this is as good a time as any... notice that he even capitalizes!
The STAGES of Pregnancy (according to the hubs)...
I apologize in advance if this strikes any sensitive chords (as I know some of the things I'll mention have and do actually effect real people--just not my wife to this point). The first stage of pregnancy is the one I like to call the "I think I'm pregnant with twins" stage. This stage begins when Jenica gains an unprecedented amount of weight in a short period of time--forget about the fact that it happens with every pregnancy. And for those of you who may be wondering all of our children, to this point, have flown solo into this world. Oddly enough the ultra sound confirmed that there was, you guessed it, one child in the womb.
The next stage of the pregnancy is the "there's something wrong with the baby" stage. During this stage Jenica has a dream, or is reminded of a dream she once had in which she had a bad feeling about the pregnancy. Fortunately this stage does not persist. Normally she feels the baby beginning to move sometime shortly following the beginning of this stage. Since babies, like grown ups, come equipped with both hands and feet they somehow manage to kick and push on opposite sides of the belly almost simultaneously; this causes a relapse into the "I'm pregnant with twins" stage. It's sounds funny when you read it. But when you put it into perspective by comparing it with the previous three pregnancies, and again, the fact that each produced one child, it begins to be a bit troubling. The Hubs + Jenica = Baby. Just in case there are any math freaks out there, and that equation troubles you, it's because it doesn't add up. 1+1=2 in most cases, but where Jenica's pregnancies are concerned, contrary to the law of "twins," 1+1=1. It's the opposite of synergy. I can't think of a name for it. The sum of the two constituent parts equals one half of their sum.
Next comes the "baby is dead" stage. (Now I realize that those are harsh words, but it's the tale I've heard four times now). This is the one stage that actually troubles me; with each pregnancy I doubt for a brief period and wonder if this time she's right. Fortunately, she's been wrong every time. After this somber period passes later that day when she feels the baby move we enjoy a brief period when all seems great.
But wait, someone is still carrying a baby in her womb, and it isn't getting any smaller. This gives rise to the third to last stage--which just happens to also be the last stage: the "I'm done with pregnancy" stage. Fortunately one of Jenica's bloggie babes Stephieface has coined a term that deals with the daily tasks I face at this point in the pregnancy. It's called the "dead-to-me zone." Anything that Jenica drops, anything she needs, any child located beneath, clothes, pens, purses, etc. below the waist might as well have fallen off the flat face of the earth unless I'm right there to pick it up. Have you ever showered with a pregnant lady? Ladies, have you ever showered with your husband when you're pregnant? It's not fun for the man. It reminds me of Sesame Street when the kid bends his body to form the letter "C." That's what I have to do to change places so that I can rinse off my body. I don't think that there's a letter of the alphabet that describes what I have to do when she drops the soap.
Then an odd thing happens, the "I'm okay with this pregnancy" stage begins: Joints feel good; back doesn't hurt as much; kids seem almost angelic for a day or two. It slowly begins to fade and the last month consists of the "I'm done with pregnancy" stage again.
Previous to this pregnancy I thought that was the last stage, but as you all may now know there is now an "I'm in labor" stage that's really not labor at all. My only hope is that it doesn't give rise to the "procrastination" stage which could lead to the "husband delivering the baby at home" stage. Don't get me wrong. I think it could be done. I'm sure that people in other countries do it all the time. But let's get real. I sell parts to the petroleum transport industry for a living. I often take orders, over the phone, and have parts delivered to those customers; but someone else delivers them. We don't even do it ourselves, we've contracted with a company and they deliver for us. When we have company lunches and I order the food, someone else delivers it! People try to get me to commit to things that I can't deliver on all the time. It's not my fault. Sometimes vendors don't come through. It's not my fault. I just sell parts. I DON'T DELIVER!
I have to give a lot of credit to my wife. Take for instance today. The boy pooped and peed in the bed at nap time. My solution: buy a new bed. My wife simply washed the sheets and semi-impervious mattress protector. And he's back to sleeping on them again. Wednesday is trash collection day on our street, that shit could have easily been in the trash. Now I know why Wonder Woman wore those gloves.
Reader Comments (19)
haha! this is hilarious!
i never knew there are so many stages in pregnancy.
This is SO true!!
you guys are hysterical...i loved every word of this. you and my husband would get along famously.
still keeping you in my thoughts, and sending you all the doula energy i can.
xx
that last comment was me, nina beana! i have emily staying with me and didn't realize she was logged in.
xx
This was GREAT!!!
Oh... and John, I would venture to bet that you COULD deliver... my hubs ended up having to do it with our second...
This was hilarious and so true! What a way with words you have. Keep your spirits up as you wait! What am I going to do when you have this baby, you may blog less and I'll be bored!
That was awesome!
Your Mister is quite lucky... we have a stage here in the Stephieface household which is....
"The I Am Going To Be Pregnant Forever Depression Stage", because you just KNOW that baby is never ever ever going to come out and you're going to have to go shopping for skirts so that your sweet little baby who will never ever leave the womb will be able to reach out and accept his diploma when he's 18 (and STILL in the womb). It will only get awkward when he gets married. Ah that stage is awesome... good times, good times....
I laughed until I cried. I love how the hubs affectionately calls F sinply "the boy." Love it!
too funny--mostly because it's true. (And aren't you glad that 1+1=1?)
OMG - this was... HYSTERICAL!!! I loved the entire thing. I wonder what I was like when I was pregnant. Unless Nate Nate learns to write in a coherent manner, I guess nobody will ever know.
I think this should be a regular feature!! (not necessarily that you should be continually pregnant - unless you just want to be!!)
I loved this. Hubs, you write really, really well - just like your pregnant wife. :)
I agree - this should be a regular feature.
that was a unique perspective... thanks for sharing with us!
Jenica- you have one sweet guy :)
That was the funniest post I've read anywhere in quite awhile! And I needed a laugh! Thanks to you both! Enjoy the stage you are in because soon enough you'll be 2 very sleep deprived individuals! :-)
Okay, Jenica, we're all reassured that the live blogging of your true labor and delivery will work out just fine. Your husband will be an excellent guest poster if the pain gets too tough at any point.
Wonderful post!
I am in love with this post! I have to get my hubby to read it.
are we lacking a post because?
hey - what is the protocol going to be for the blog baby? has this been stated and I missed it somewhere along the way??
I need to know!!
Are you STILL pregnant?
LOL!!!
you two are just adorable!!!
i loved this :-)
xo
k
hee hee .. wonderful!!