pushed to the edge
June 16, 2007 at 2:17 AM i've spent the whole afternoon and evening crying, bemoaning my fate. why, you ask? what tragedy has occured? parenthood. that is what has occured. and i realize that lately i've been hitting this wall about once a week. but i really think that children have the uncanny ability of kickin' you while you're down. i was watching a rerun of scrubs tonight, one where what's-his-face and his ornery wife discover that they're pregnant again despite a vasectomy, then open the door to have their 2 year old say, "i pooped in my pants, so i put it on top of the tv." yes, all hell breaks loose the moment things start to get a little difficult.
of course, it's not all the time. when i was sick with the stomach flu and unable to get off the couch for the day, my E was aMAZing. she brought me buckets & blankets, drew me pictures, kept movies on for the youngin's, etc. she loves to be helpful and bossy.
but it's days like today that get me. have i mentioned anywhere before that i have a baby human growing inside of me? and that with only 50 some odd days to go, i am exhausted all the time? so today i put G down for her nap and told my older kids that i needed a nap, but i trusted them and knew that they could handle a quiet time: time to work on puzzles, school books, or play on starfall (the greatest reading site EVER). i promised them a special treat if they would just be considerate of eachother and of me.
so, i slept. deeply and wonderfully. and then i woke up to F SCREAMING bloody murder. E had decided to use her oldest child status to beat him over the head with a hanger. not only that, but they had ripped open 2 garbage sacks full of clothes to take to charity and threw them all over the living room. and then F hid and pooped his pants again, like he's done every day this week.
and i broke down.
in writing this out, it doesn't really sound all that bad. there are kids out there that could have done a LOT worse during an unsupervised naptime. i realize this. but sometimes (most of the time) i struggle with the fact that my sweet E has never really even liked me. i expected that i would have a cuddly little baby who wanted her mama all the time. but from the moment she was born all that she's ever wanted was her daddy, and i don't mean that she's just a daddy's girl. i mean that even at 2 weeks old, as soon as she would finish nursing she would push off from me and scream until daddy came to get her, she wouldn't even let me hold her. she smiled at her daddy in the first week of her life; at her grandpa in the first 3 weeks; and at her ggrandpa in her first month. when did she smile at me? when she was FOUR months old!
she didn't say I love you to me, until she was 2 1/2 years old; despite being able to speak in full sentences from about 18 months on, and despite saying those three little words every day and night to her daddy from the time she was about 1 year old. i had left her at my in-laws house for the weekend, and she must have missed me after a day or so. because for the first time in her life she asked where i was and said that she wanted me. and when i came back to get her, she finally uttered, "I love you Mama!"
this last week i took her with me on a *date* to see Mia and mommy at the hospital. as we left i told her how glad i was that we could spend some mama and baby girl time together, how much i loved her, and how adorable i thought she was. when i got done praising her, she looked at me in the rear view mirror and said absent-mindedly, "i LUV my daddy."
i just don't know how to deal with her. i don't know how to love her in a way that she'll love me back. it's not like she's screaming at me that she hates me. but it's been a 5 1/2 year struggle to feel like she even wants me as a friend. my other kids regularly crawl into my lap for cuddle time and love; they squish my face and kiss me, tell me that they love me, and respond to the affection that i give them. but if i so much as rub E's back, she gets up and walks away, then asks when her daddy will be coming home. it seems like the more one-on-one attention i give her, the more she acts up.
i just don't know how to be a good mama anymore.
Reader Comments (7)
((((Hugs))))
Jenica,
It really does get overwhelming with so many little ones doesn't it? I remember crying almost everyday towards the end of my pregnancy because of sheer exhaustion and being scared... I tired to death of the antics of my 3 year old, and my one year old who like to climb things.
But just think... This fall E will be starting school, and you won't be pregnant anymore!!! YAY! With E in school things will calm down so much. They did at our house as soon as Kayden entered school.
If you need anything let me know!
Love to you,
Georgia
Awww. You ARE a good mama! The BEST mama!
I think some kids just take their moms for granted, like mothers are simply placed in their lives to feed them and clean up after them and will always be there for hugs and playtime, etc.
Also, don't girls usually gravitate towards bonding with their daddy's first?
You shouldn't worry. She'll come around. Probably when the baby comes, she'll want to hang out with you all the time, watching and learning how to be a mama.
I honestly don't know how you cope with them all at this stage of your pregnancy. You must be completely worn out and melting in this summer heat!
Hang in there mama!
you ARE a good mama ~ it shows in your words and we all break down. i only have one and i break down, sheesh ;-) you are wonderful my dear, truly!!
Jenica, You DO know how to be a good mama! You're doing it!
Your honesty is sooo, sooo awesome. I once told a friend of mine that I think that some personalities are more compatible than others, and so, how could it be any different with a mother/child relationship? She looked at me like I was crazy, like I was saying the most taboo thing ever. But it's true. I think we love all of our children equally as strong, but maybe it's OK to be more "compatible" with one than the other. My Noah is a bit less affectionate and cuddly than Bella. She follows me around the house, acts as my shadow, wants to be with me. We are like peas and carrots. I have to sometimes make Noah cuddle with me; he's more independent. But I love affection and cuddling, so in THAT way I am more compatible with Bella. Doesn't mean I love her more, doesn't mean I try more with her. It makes me sad when he pushes me away, but I'm learning new ways everyday to connect with him in a way that suits us both. Maybe less forced cuddling for his sake, but more physical interaction for me through tickling and wrestling around. When you have so many personalities in one household, you have to learn the best way to connect with each one in a personalized way.
I can't tell you not to be hurt by some of the ways E has interacted with you. I think sometimes that girls try to hurt their moms because they know their moms are more "soft" and hurt more easily. So maybe we use that softness that our mother's have as a weapon (I know I did with my mother at times). I mean, it's weird, but I've recently observed that Bella uses food and mealtime to "play" me. She knows how much it hurts me for her not to eat, so she plays games with me over food. They learn this manipulation of sorts so early on. You wouldn't believe the dance I have at every mealtime to get this child to eat, and it's all wrapped around this mommy/daughter psychological game that I don't quite understand but except I play a part in somehow. Case in point: when I'm gone and Jeremy feeds Bella-- she eats with no problems, no fussing, no games.
Anyways, I sure am rambling but not sure I'm saying anything important or helpful. But I so relate, as do most mothers, and I'm sending you hugs! Just love her, be yourself, and keep your chin up. That's all you can do. You're are doing a beautiful job-- Just LOOK at those beautiful babes! The proof is in the puddin' Sweetie!
THANK YOU!!! (((bighugs))) all around. you guys are wonderful!
i'm listening. i'm totally hearing you. what you're feeling is TOTALLY OK and you're not alone. i'm so with you on all of this, in fact (well, except for the being pregnant thing) that i have nothing eloquent to offer you except to say that i'm listening. and it's freakin' hard. and you're doing great. xx
Bless your heart!! (((HUGS)))
I don't know what to say. I think Stepherz comment was perfect.