i know that saying is supposed to be the other way around, but i am realizing that most of my problems with myself are associated with not feeling happy and grateful. i have felt so guilty and selfish in this pregnancy because with my other pregnancies i relished every moment and every movement. i never spoke ill of being pregnant because i never wanted my little "in-utero" to feel unwanted; even despite having (not all at once!): P.U.P.P.S., slight morning sickness, pre-clampsia, gestational diabetes, serious sciatic trouble, and even bed rest. with my other pregnancies i played music with my baby, rubbed my belly constantly, spoke gently, and even sang to them. and with this one... i just haven't. i've been whiny and ungrateful and selfish, and frankly overwhelmed. i need to find gentility again. i need to find hope. i need to grow love.

thank you for the nice comments from my last post. i certainly needed them. so in a spirit of cultivating happiness i wish to present you with a gratitude list/funny pregnant story list:

.: i'm ever so happy for days in june cold enough to need hot cocoa
.: a big, HUGE pile of dirt labeled, "CLEAN DIRT." so what you're telling me is that if my kids play in this dirt they'll actually come out clean??? and you can buy it by the truck load!

.: learning the art of hot rollers for seductive volume... i even bought styling products! weird.

.: bubble guns
.: last summer, before i was pregnant with this baby, i had a long distance (pregnant) relative walk up to me and say, "hold on girl, i'm barely on number 3!" implying that she thought i was pregnant with my number 4. but she had walked off so quickly after saying it that i had no time to even correct her. well, in a small town news spreads quickly. so by the next day i had a common friend of ours stop me and ask when i was due. i replied, "no actually, i'm not pregnant, just a little chubby in the tummy area." she laughed, and then asked AGAIN, "no really, when are you due?" "no REALLY, i'm just fat. i'm NOT pregnant." she was embarrassed but stuck around to chit-chat for a few more minutes. but of course, when she left, she asked just ONE MORE TIME, "so you're really not pregnant?" and i only wish i'd said, "not unless i get lucky tonight!"

.: midnight dancing in chili's
.: while pregnant with G i took the older kids with me to the post office. i was 20 weeks at the time and feeling fabulous. the kids actually behaved while we waited in the long line, so i was feeling quite happy by the time i got to the teller. she immediately started our transaction by asking how far along i was. i happily told her 4 months. and then it started, "oh wow! you are God's gift to me today! i'm 37 weeks pregnant but YOU, YOU are OBVIOUSLY more miserable than i am!!! you were sent by God to brighten my day! oh praise the Lord!" it went on but i'll spare you. so i collected my stamps and told her that i was happy to have made her so happy. i think that i have the ability to find really tactless people. but it's ok, i can take it with a laugh. ;-D

.: little birdies making our home their home
.: rows of toy cars lined up perfectly, so that each one can go on the slide in order.

.: when we go anywhere in the car it's E & F's quest to find water towers. so yesterday i wasn't too suprised to hear her say that she wished she could be a ballerina dancer on top of the water tower closest to our house.

.: G's new talent of suctioning a cup onto her face
.: E saying last night, "maybe if daddy shows you more antention, and you show me more antention, then i can give more antention to F, and F can give more antention to G; then maybe we can make more MONEY!" how about instead of money we try to make a little more love grow in our hearts?

.:dirt cleavage