today i am grateful for:

• mornings with my little girls. every where i go, these two little shadows follow me. they are so beautiful, funny, intelligent, and SASSY.
• finding the voice to speak what's on my mind, even when my voice trembles and the words come out in a funny arrangement.
• G is on a pattern kick, much to her kindergarten teachers chargrin, she wears at least 3 different patterns every day.  we call it creative dressing.
• the sound of my children laughing together.  like a happy, bubbling brook.  laughing in unison, but with all their own characters showing through.
• john.  for what he teaches me. for how he loves me. for who he is. for his complete generosity.
• kindness.  whenever i feel down, doing something kind for someone else makes me feel better.  and it helps me recognze the kindnesses i receive.
• our clunker red car.  my van's transmission went out recently so we've been depending on the beater for our every day.  and it's still working!  it seats six VERY snuggly, so while there have been a few more sibling altercations than normal... there is something about all of us being squished shoulder to shoulder with the windows down {because the a/c doesn't work}, that just makes my heart sing.
• mumford and sons.  seriously. i am smitten.
• affectionate children.  from hugs and kisses, to F's classroom list: "the most important thing about freeman, is that he loves his sisters."  how did i get so blessed!?
• Random Art Workshops continuing to move forward.  i love teaching people that creativity begins simply with the first act.  just show up, something wonderful will always happen.

since this week has been a grey and cold one, i'm especially grateful for our monday evening mountain excursion.  with john working late, i loaded the kids up and we headed off in search of COLOR, earth, and the possibility of s'mores.  we drove up a canyon i haven't explored before, windows down, the sound of good music and children's laughter swirling around us.  while we never did find a suitable place for a campfire we did hike down the original mormon pioneer trail until we found a little clearing filled with red leaves and silence.  we munched on cookies and cold marshmallows and sank into the earth below us.  each of the kids took turns with the camera taking pics of what was important to them, i always love seeing the world through their loving eyes. E settled back, took a breath, and said dreamily, "i feel so loved here." me too, baby girl, me too! we all agreed to come back to the mountains more often. we loaded up as ominous clouds began rolling in and by the time we got home the storm had arrived.  it was a quick trip, but worth it on every level.

where is your peaceful place?  wanna join me on the search for COLOR?

‎"Naked I came into the world, but brush strokes cover me, language raises me, music rhythms me. Art is my rod and staff, my resting place and shield, and not mine only, for art leaves nobody out. Even those from whom art has been stolen away by tyranny, by poverty, begin to make it again. If the arts did not exist, at every moment, someone would begin to create them, in song, out of dust and mud, and although the artifacts might be destroyed, the energy that creates them is not destroyed."  Jeanette Winterson "Art Objects"

for the trip to squam my brother gave me a book to read, Illusions by Richard Bach from which i take this quote:

"once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. the current of the river swept silently over them all-- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only it's own crystal self. each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

"but one creature in it's own manner said at last, 'i am tired of clinging. though i can not see it with my eyes, i trust that the current knows where it is going. i shall let go, and let it take me where it will. clinging i shall die of boredom.'  the other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! let go and that current you worship with throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!'  but the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

"Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

 after a long year of struggles i'm finding how important it is to learn to let go, to love without resentment, to live with compassion, to stop holding on so tightly to comfort and convenience.  as i first let go {mostly of my religion} it certainly did feel like i was tumbled and broken upon the rocks.  this past year has been extremely difficult for me, my mental health has hung in the balance for a long time, and my attempts at finding a pharmaceutical option has actually left me worse off than i was before.  so now i'm without anti-depressants and choosing happiness has again become my reality.  it's still shaky, every day is still a struggle to choose to get out of bed, to sort laundry, to reach out to others.  but the more that i trust in the person i have always been, the more confidence i rebuild and the stronger i feel. 

squam was an interesting experience for me in this, because i've reclused myself for so long and seen myself as broken for so long, i wasn't sure how i'd react to some serious artistic energy and passion.  in a few cases i was a weirdo.  but the majority of people saw me as i haven't been able to see myself: strong, confident, loving, loveable, and somehow talented.  i began to let go of the way i have seen myself for too long.  i found that even when i was shaky and panicked i was still loved and understood.

i'm learning to nourish myself in the ways that bring me happiness and peace.  coming home from squam i've found myself sketching again, singing again, teaching again, getting together with people again.  i'm also learning not to judge myself so harshly, giving myself permission to do what feeds my heart, even if it doesn't feed others.  creating art is part of my love language, it's where i find peace and my mind finally quiets.  funny enough at 5 pm every day, our most stressful time of the day as a family, my kids each get a streak of creativity and run off with paper, scissors and crayons. the act of creating art in any form calms them from the afterschool pre-dinner craziness. they might be making a mess right as i'm trying to clean up, but they are focused and peaceful.  i'm still learning to let go of the "shoulds" as i focus on choosing joy.  it takes bravery to let go, not knowing exactly what will come next, but every time i let go the opportunity for greater joy comes flowing in.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell

what are your thoughts on letting go?

while i did take my nikon to Squam, i only took a handful of pics with it.  instead i preferred the nostalgia that comes from shooting instant film, "Remember when this happened five minutes ago?? That was AWESOME!" 

but looking back on the pics that i came home with, i see a story of simple bliss, good friends, hilarious evenings, moments of sweet silence, being fully embraced, and beauty reaching into every corner-- expanding my heart upwards and outwards.  and i'm so grateful that i did shoot film, because each of these moments is captured with something tangible, something i can pin to my wall to remind me of my heart song.

i flew in a day early to spend time with nina and her mudge's AND got the opportunity to have a Random Art Workshop with 11 amazing women.  traveling can be hard on me, but when you have a safe landing right into the gilbert's home and then get to spend the night creating art with friends new and dear... well, that makes for a pretty great day.

my classes were amazing, Misty Mawn is a treasure, truly.  watching her paint was a liberating experience, as i've felt the heavy weight of my own resistance this past year keeping me from pushing forward in art. but watching her fluidity, her bravery on canvas, ignited something in me again.  i have always been enamoured by her portraits, so learning and creating with her filled me up to the brim.  i got into my groove and came out glowing.  i was so grateful for her instruction, i've never drawn with charcoal before, and she started us out with the basics in creating portraits from scratch.  she moved us from charcoal to marksall, adding new dimension to our work.  and then finally on to paint.  it was thrilling and it felt like coming home.  it's been so long since i've really dug deep and pushed through on a painting, misty facilitated that for me.

taking Pixie's class was a bit of a stretch for me, ok, it was a lot of a stretch as i've never even attempted animal figures.  but i did go into class knowing that a little lioness within me was aching to be brought into fruition, so as the layers built i kept looking for her, trying to put her into a 14 x 20 inch space.  after lunch i dragged my feet back to class, feeling stuck.  pixie led a meditation with light drumming and in that space i saw exactly what i needed to do.  the lioness came out in full power, robed in royal colors, crowned in sunshine.  and while it's not quite finished, she's well on her way.

my last class was yoga and after two days of hunching over my paintings i felt like my shoulders had been replaced with a very uncomfortable rod of iron.  but after three hours of stretching and breathing, the tension wiggled out and my body relaxed.  michelle's voice and visualizations guiding all of us through our headspace and straight into the complete present moment.  i love that squam has integrated yoga into it's schedule, giving room for so much clarity during an often overwhelming week, the gentle reminder to breathe a little deeper, push a little harder, and feel a little more.

but in the end, classes are only half the story, the rest occurs among friends in cabins or on the dock, laughing until my face hurts and i may or may not have wet myself.  walking quietly along the sacred trails, spotting wildlife and wild mushrooms, the entire campground is mystical-- a place of peace and expansion.  i was emotional this year, more so than in years past, but it was a safe place for my tears, just as it was a safe place for my laughter.  our cabin was the best and each night we'd gather for story telling, massages, and spontaneous (ridiculous) photo reenactment.

my plane didn't leave until sunday at 5 pm, which gave way for a day with maya, meandering through the back roads of new hampshire. we found our way to the ivy-covered home of her teenage years, our words babbling along, tangents of thought mimicking the road followed and tracked with her enormous atlas.

and then, the experience is over.  i wake up in my bed, the silhouette of G rushing into my room, before sunlight has even broken through the sky, to make sure i am really, truly home at last.  entering our daily rhythm again, hugs and snuggles as the longing mixed with the joy of the past week settles exhaustedly into all of us.  my trip into the woods is anything but solitary, it's something each person in my family sacrifices for. my heart is replenished and overwhelmed with gratitude, i reach out to spread the light on to them, thankFULL for their willingness to let me go for those moments, thankFULL to those that fill in the gaps while i'm gone, thankFULL to elizabeth and all of the peeps that make the week possible, thankFULL for this life i live and all that fills it.

whew.  is it really nearly half way through september?

this summer passed in a whirlwind for me.  i spent it mostly offline doing a lot of writing and emotional sorting, and the words just didn't flow to this space.  but i'm feeling them returning and i'm excited to share with you.

as you can see from the video below, the kids have grown up a lot.  they are beautiful, intelligent, and above all loving.  they are my inspiration and i feel so blessed that i'm their lucky mama.  they teach me daily how to love, see, listen, learn, and even how to let go.  i am so grateful for THIS life.

and now i'm looking forward to being in this new season.  i'm headed to squam this week to recharge, refresh, relearn, and relove.  have i mentioned how grateful i am for this life. right here, right now, blessed.